The Top 7 Rock Stars That Need an Ass-Kicking

November 9, 2008

One of the worst things that can happen to a musician is when they start to take themselves a little too seriously. They get trapped in their own little world and begin to think they are as amazing as their brainwashed fans think they are. Where do these idiots get off? These are just some people who could use a good butt-whoopin’ to help clear their heads.

7. Fred Durst

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How hasn’t this guy been beaten to a bloody pulp?

Back in the early ‘90s, it felt like Fred Durst was loved by the ladies but hated by every man on the face of the planet. He took the heavy metal genre and completely perverted it. How did he get away with this unscathed? Every time I hear him spit whiteboy raps over cheesy rock chords, I want to give him a fat knee to the face.

The first time I saw the video for “Behind Blue Eyes” I was so enraged that I punched my television set and split my hand wide open. How could Pete Townshend let this douchebag taint a Who landmark? He even got to make out with Halle Berry. Halle Berry! I think I’m going to be sick.

6. Deryck Whibley

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What a jackass. How can you be in one of the worst bands ever and marry one of the most annoying pop stars all in the same life?

I love it how Sum 41 started off as cotton candy MTV lozenge for rich schoolgirls and then ended up trying to put out more intelligent songs about serious political issues. In a lot of these songs Whibley attempts to criticize President Bush and his polices. I don’t have too much of a problem with this, but the songs completely suck and I refuse to listen to political rantings from a Canadian. This guy is just mad cause there is nothing to complain about in Canada.

Deryck wants to be a real rock star so bad it’s probably destroying him from the inside out. I hope this bozo chokes on Avril Lavigne’s teeth.

5. Axl Rose

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Axl pre-superstardom didn’t seem like that bad of a guy. He had a great voice, killed it on the live stage and didn’t have much of an attitude. All this changed when he grew the world’s biggest rock ego and decided to swim with dolphins in his epic Use Your Illusion music videos.

Throughout Guns N' Roses' career, Axl was notorious for personally addressing disruptive fans and instructing security guards to throw them out by force. On a few occasions he even took matters into his own hands by jumping into the crowd to deal with these so-called nuisances personally. He even started a riot on August 8, 1992 in Montreal by walking off stage after playing only nine songs, claiming he was having voice problems. What a class act.

I’m not saying I could take Axl in his prime, but I would consider paying a nice sum to have his kneecaps busted.
 
4. Madonna

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I understand Madonna is not a real rock star, but lately she’s really been trying to live the part. When she started playing the guitar at her live shows and hanging from a cross Marilyn Manson-style, Madonna became more of a joke than anyone could have ever imagined.

First off, the material girl used to be a badass unpredictable pop star that had Middle American moms shaking in their pastel boots. Who could have known that she would transform into to a selfish, self-obsessed imbecile who insisted on pushing Kabbalah on her loyal followers? Who in the hell does this women think she is? Stick to shilling for Mitsubishi, honey. 

3. Noel and Liam Gallagher

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It’s pretty well known that Liam was a troublemaker at the start of Oasis’ popularity in the mid ‘90s, and there have been numerous incidents with Liam cracking paparazzis in their faces while spitting his weird English slurs into hungry TV cameras. Liam is also known for some of his classy anti-American quotes, such as "Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don't get it."

No, Liam, we hate you cause your band is unbelievably overrated and you’ve been putting out the same exact f***ing songs since 1995. 

Even though Liam has grown out of his child-like pop star antics in the last few years, it seems his brother Noel has been perfectly willing to keep the Gallagher ass clown train running. I always thought Noel was the classy one of the group, but after his harsh words against Jay-Z and Radiohead this past year I’ve decided to write this dude off completely.

These hacks are 5-foot-nothin' and they would easily get knocked out by one of my grandfather’s after dinner farts.

 2. Ted Nugent

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The Nuge. Another classic case of a rock star thinking their moral values and understanding of this world is the be-all and end-all. What makes this guy think he has the right to force his border control policies on the masses via a Fox News telecast? This guy wrote freakin’ “Cat Scratch Fever.” It’s not like he’s in Africa curing AIDS patients.

I will commend the guy for hunting and killing his own food, but it’s so obvious that he gets off on shooting defenseless animals just for sh*ts and giggles. I would give anything to stalk this guy Hard Target-style in the middle of East LA. I wonder how long it would take for me to take down the The Motor City Madman? He eats far too much homemade meat to outrun my skinny ass.

1. Gene Simmons

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"Downloaders Should Be Sued Off The Face Of The Earth"

If there is anybody on this list that needs to be knocked out right now, it’s Gene. How can so many egotistical one-liners come out of one human being? The guy is intelligent, but his relentless greed and lack of bass playing talent are definitely basis for a drunken’ stepfather-like beat down.

Some people may think that Gene is a very smart man who is just speaking his mind and telling it like it is, but I beg to differ. Not only is Gene one of the worst bass players of all time, he would put a Kiss logo on a dead corpse and sell it to an 8-year-old just to make a buck. I’ve heard all of this man’s stupid philosophies on the “rock business” and I think he needs to realize that not everybody in a band just cares about making money off of their musical “brand.” Gene should be blowing Ace Frehley everyday of his life because he was the only reason why Kiss was able to put together good rock songs and hit the big time. Period.

Ending this man with some fists of fury to the face would definitely make this world a happier place.

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