North Korean Soccer Players "Probably" Won't Be Killed if They Lose Tomorrow

June 24, 2010

Rabid soccer fan and North Korean democracy hater Kim Jong-il was less than thrilled about his team’s 7-0 drubbing at the hands of Portugal last week. Thankfully, most pundits believe that the nation's “dear leader” will avoid publically executing the players and simply sentence them to a lifetime of involuntary manual labor.

According to German tabloids (so you know the news is both efficient and reliable), the North Korean soccer stars enjoy a slightly different lifestyle than their American counterparts.

"The players and coach are rewarded with huge houses when they win. But they have to atone for losing by being sent to work in the coal mines," a source told the German publication.

The team’s head coach, however, seems confident that the majority of his players will avoid stern repercussions from the head of "Bad Korea" if they do return home without a trophy.

"We failed to reach our goal. I want to apologize for this to our people. I do not think that we will be punished."

Sounds like the optimistic words of a man who’s either pretty confident about his chances against the Ivory Coast tomorrow or secretly trying to find out where his wife and children are being held hostage.

In 1996, several members of the team were sent to labor camps after a disappointing showing in the North Korea World Cup, but that was when they had a violent, lunatic leader running the show. There’s no way a guy who has imprisoned an entire nation while collecting nuclear weapons will resort to these types of tactics, though. Right?

Photo: AFP/Getty Images