The Top 10 Worst Fictional Movie Musicians

May 7, 2010

Over the years, there have been a lot of fictional movie bands that have given us memorable performances as well as providing audiences with some serious artistry. Soggy Bottom Boys, anyone? On the flipside, though, there have been a handful of fake musical acts that stand out for all the wrong reasons.

Source: Nelson Entertainment/Orion Pictures

10. Autobahn

Source: Working Title Films/PolyGram Filmed

The fictional German techno-pop group in The Big Lebowski, Autobahn, is a parody of the legendary band Kraftwerk. The only difference is that Autobahn sucks balls and Kraftwerk does not. It's true that we really don’t get a legitimate listen of Autobahn in the movie, but based on their bonehead actions against The Dude, I have no choice but to assume that the Coen Bros purposefully tried to make them out to be one of the worst fictional bands of all time.

Now the song "Technopop (Wie Glauben)" on the Lebowski Soundtrack is totally supposed to be Autobahn’s music but it’s just as over the top as its fictional members. It was put together by the extremely talented composer Carter Burwell and was obviously created with the intention of being ridiculous. I just thought a band with Flea would have been a little bit better. Although, I have been saying that about the Red Hot Chili Peppers for years…

 

9. The Good Ole Boys

Source: Universal Pictures

Seeing The Good Ole Boys from The Blue Brothers on this list may be a little confusing for most of you, but hear me out first.

Due to Elwood and Jake snaking their spot at Bob's Country Bunker, we never get the chance to hear The Good Ole Boys perform. I put The Good Ole Boys on this list based purely on the fact that they are total a-holes throughout the entire film and there’s no chance in hell that they’re any good. Look, Elwood and Jake were on a mission from God and we have to assume that anyone trying to stop them from carrying out their mission has to be an evil demon doing Satan’s work. Now that may sound a little cool, but it is in no possible way cooler than The Blues Brothers.

8. Spinal Tap Mark II

Photo: Ebet Roberts/Getty Images

After Nigel leaves the band in the legendary film This Is Spinal Tap, we get to witness the birth of Spinal Tap Mark II. As sweet as this band could've been, their free-form jazz exploration was pretty horrible and should have never happened in the first place. Why in the hell did David St. Hubbins’ girlfriend try to break up one of the greatest metal bands of all time!? It was only for a brief moment, but Spinal Tap Mark II might've produced some of the worst audio sounds cinema has ever heard.

 

7. Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate

Source: Paramount Pictures

It truly pains me to put Randy Watson (a.k.a. Joe the Policeman from the “What’s Goin' Down” episode of That's My Mama) on this list, but I had no choice, y’all.

With his performance of “Greatest Love of All” in Coming to America, it was quite clear right from the get-go that Mr. Watson had charisma by the truckload, but didn’t have the vocal chops to truly move a crowd. Eddie Murphy’s take on a washed up soul/karaoke singer almost single-handedly stole the show in CTA, but he was also forced to make ears cringe with a gang of crappy vocal notes just to get the point across. Sexual! Chocolate!

6. Rex Manning

Source: Regency Enterprises/Warner Bros.

Anyone out there that’s sat through Empire Records will never forget the name Rex Manning. Why? Because Rex is easily one of the biggest douchebags in the history of movies. Manning is everything we hate about bad pop music. The guy is a pompous, fading pop singer/former TV star who thinks he’s God’s gift to the world because naïve women everywhere get caught up in his cheesball hype. His smash hit “Say No More Mon Amour” is so horrible that it infects every ear it touches, just like the same music it’s successfully mocking.

I will admit that it was pretty awesome when he dropped his pants when Corey (Liv Tyler) brought him his lunch, but the poor girl just wanted some romantic lovin’! Dude is such a tool. Just go ahead and fade away, Rexy.

 

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5. The Brady Bunch

Source: Paramount Pictures

The Brady Bunch Movie totally makes fun of how wholesome and unrealistic The Brady Bunch actually were/are, but this comedic take on the clean cut ‘70s family in no way gives their ungodly music a pass. Regardless if the film was poking fun at all things Brady, it still didn’t stop a record company from releasing a soundtrack with all the "group's" crappy classics on it. Who in the hell really needs to hear “Sunshine Day” again? Even when they’re performing their ear-bleeding hit “Keep On” at the Search For the Stars Contest, the entire audience is in shock at the white bread getting down on stage. They only win the contest because Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Davy Jones were judging the damn thing. F***in' Davy Jones.

 

4. Blueshammer

Source: United Artists

“All right, people, are you ready to boogie? 'Cause we gonna play some authentic... way-down-in-the-delta blues. So get ready to rock your world!”

Man, I love me some Blueshammer. When I first saw 2001’s Ghost World the scene that stuck out the most for me had to when Blueshammer performed. Not only did everyone in the audience besides Steve Buscemi ignore a real blues musician when he was on stage, they went completely apes*** over a bunch of suburban poseurs claiming to be “picking cotton all day long.” If I had to compare Blueshammer to band that actually exists today, it would have to be Nickelback. Their music isn’t exactly similar, but their lack of authenticity is pretty much identical. Now y’all will have to excuse me, I’m gonna go jam out to some Blueshammer.

 

3. Josie and The Pussycats

Source: Universal Pictures

First off, any "band" that has Tara Reid in it has to be the worst thing ever.

The late-’90 and early-2000s were a rough time for pop-rock and the tunes created for the Josie and The Pussycats helped cement a large chunk of the genre’s horrifying musical legacy. The Josie and The Pussycats group consists of Rachael Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, and Rosario Dawson. They are hot, but are by no means musicians. Song like “Pretend To Be Nice” and “Spin Around” are just plain laughable. They’re like Blink-182 songs, but even worse. I didn’t even know that was possible until I heard some of these studio trainwrecks. Thanks, ladies.

 

2. Wyld Stallyns

Source: Nelson Entertainment/Orion Pictures

For a band that supposedly saved the entire planet with their music, the Wyld Stallyns kinda blew the big one. And don’t you dare say that “God Gave Rock 'n' Roll to You II” is an amazing song. That’s just your sentimentality talking. It’s KISS, people. If it’s anything, it’s just plain okay and nothing more. How in the hell can you respect a song from a man like Gene Simmons? You might as well just burn your money instead of giving it to that no-talent businessman.

As told at the end of Excellent Adventure, in the near future, the music of the Wyld Stallyns becomes the foundation of our entire society. And I quote: “Wyld Stallyns' music eventually will help put an end to war and poverty. It will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony.” No Way?! Rufus promises us that they do get better, but we really never see them hit their hyped heights in the first film. Bill & Ted do practice a little bit, but it seriously sounds like a bunch of monkeys making guitar noises with their buttholes. Viewers get a taste of the Stallyns at the end of Bogus Journey, but they are in no way life-changing jams. For how amazing these two airheads are supposed to be based on the storyline, I just can’t believe that the makers of Bogus Journey tried to pass off KISS’ music as the greatest in the entire universe.

George Carlin RIP.

 

1. Hannah Montana

Source: JEWEL SAMAD Getty Images

I don’t really find it necessary to go into deep explanation of why Hannah Montana is the worst thing ever.

I’m sure a few of you die-hard fans out there might be trippin’ a bit about why HM made it on a list of fictional artists. Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person in the movie and TV show, but either way you slice it, Hannah Montana is a fictional character. She’s also just as horrible as Miley and that’s why she made it to the number one spot. Her music from Hannah Montana: The Movie is bubblegum garbage and it, along with Justin Bieber and The Jonas Brothers, has helped distract the youth from legitimate musicians with real talent. 

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