The Top 10 Signs You're Whipped

January 4, 2011

Relationships can be wonderful. You’re in love, the sex is great, and you’ve found your soulmate. But what if you’re being whipped and you don’t even know it? Sometimes the woman of your dreams turns out to be a manipulating control freak.

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10. She Sends You to the Store to Purchase Tampons and You Immediately Ask "Kotex or Always?"

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There are some things a woman should keep private and personal, no matter how long you’ve been together. That time of the month is one of them. Sending you to purchase tampons is stepping over the male-female divide. It is a boundary that should never be crossed, no matter how much you love her. Also, no man should ever, ever know  the brand name of one, let alone two tampon brands [Full disclosure: A lady friend kindly provided me with the names of said brands used in this article].


9. She’ll Turn Up to Boys Night When She’s Explicitly Not Invited

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You organize a boys night out with strict instructions to your buddies that the night is going to be a girlfriend free-zone. Then one of your mates turns up with his lady friend in tow. He might try to make an excuse, saying, “She’s a really cool chick” or “She’s not like other girls.” Don’t believe him. The girl joined the boy’s night out because she doesn’t trust her man and doesn’t want him to have a fun time without her. Females, even a cool lone lady, totally ruin a boys night out.


8. She Knows Your Email and Facebook Login Info

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Seriously, if you share an email account with your girlfriend or she knows your Facebook login info, then you have a problem. Relationships are all about trust. If you don’t trust one another then how do you expect your relationship to last and be a fulfilling one? If she already knows your passwords, then it’s time to have a talk. She might put up a fight at first, but explain that it’s for the good of the relationship and change them.


7. Every Story You Tell Involves Her and Bores Your Friends to Death

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If every story you tell involves your girlfriend or wife, then you might think you’re terribly lucky to have found a great girl to share your life with. The truth is you’re really just whipped. If you’re hanging with your friends and every conversation you start begins like this: “[insert girl’s name] and I did this” or “You won’t believe what [insert girl’s name] said the other day,” then you have to face it, you’re not really living life.

No man should be beholden to sharing every life experience with one person. Being the hunter and gatherer is in our DNA. Also, no other man should be forced to constantly hear your lame stories about [insert girl’s name]. So do everyone a favor and expand your horizon. Be a life pioneer. Take risks. The best thing for a relationship is to have varied interests. The quickest way to kill a relationship is to lose a sense of self-identity. Whatever you do, make sure you have adventures without the woman. Tell these stories to your lady and friends. It’ll do you a world of good and it’s more likely to make your relationship stronger and more fulfilling.


6. She’ll Use Sex to Get Her Way

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Your sex life might be great, but have you ever noticed it sometimes comes with strings attached? This woman will use sex to get her way. It will be subtle and barely noticeable. It might be as nonchalant as requesting to do what she wants or go on vacation where she wants to go. Instead of making these decisions together, the controlling female will use sex to ensure she gets the outcome she desires.

Using sex as leverage works and soon enough she’ll have you wrapped around her little finger. You’ll be like a crack addict, doing anything and everything to get a taste of the sugar. What’s happening is the cruelest form of foreplay. She’ll get you to the point of no return and right when you’re at your most vulnerable she’ll ask for what she wants. What man in his right mind will make a rational decision at such a moment?


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5. She Makes You Watch Dancing With the Stars, American Idol and Glee Even When the Game’s On

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Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, and Glee are not television shows made for men. No siree! The lady-controller will make you watch such shows by saying you don’t spend enough quality time together. You’ll go along with it because, let’s face it, fighting it is way more effort that sitting down and watching some sequins and showtunes.  Soon enough you’ll get sucked into such shows and when your buddies invite you over to watch the big game, you’ll be that guy who says no, it’s the Dancing With the Stars finale.


4. She Always Makes You Pay

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Paying for the first few dates is the chivalrous and correct thing to do. If, however, you’ve been dating for over six months and she still hasn’t offered to pay for anything, then it’s a problem. If you’re so enamored with this girl and you haven’t even noticed that you’re the one who’s always forking out the moolah, then you have been cast under the spell of a woman’s crotch.


3. You No Longer Have Any Friends

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If you wake up one day and realize you no longer have any friends, then there’s a good chance you’re whipped. The whipper will suck you dry of any spare time. They will ensure you spend every waking hour with them. This is great, at first. But over time you’ll start to alienate your friends. You will become way less available (or not available at all) and you’ll soon find yourself constantly saying “no” to any invitation. Soon enough the invitations will dry up and your friends will move on.

If, heaven forbid, your relationship ends and you need a friend’s shoulder to cry on, it won’t be there. The whipper knows this. They don’t want you to have friends, because they know then that you’re less likely to leave them.


2. You Have to Consult With Her Whenever Making Plans or a Decision

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No matter the invite or activity, the whipped male homosapien must first confer with his other half to get permission to make seemingly banal decisions. This might be to check if he’s available to attend a boys night out (shouldn’t he know, it’s his schedule) or to grow an ironic mustache to raise money for charity (again, isn’t it his face?). Since when does a dude have to consult someone else to do something? It actually goes against the man-handbook. Do you think Dirty Harry had to check in with a gal to be a badass? Did Thomas Edison get “permission” to make the light bulb? No!


1. You Have to Constantly Check in With Her

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Every office has that guy who has to constantly call his significant other to “check in.” This is the dude who’s despondent and given up on life. Such a conversation usually starts with, “I’m just checking in.” This is one of the ultimate signs you’re whipped. Such calls mean your girl has you on a short leash. She doesn’t trust you and wants to know everything you’re up to, even if it’s just typing up a report for Kelly in accounts. She wants to make sure she’s constantly in your thoughts.

If you’re calling your lady and it feels like a chore then you’re whipped. If you don’t call and she gets pissed, then you’re whipped. If you call just for the sake of calling and having absolutely nothing to say, then you’re whipped. Seriously, can’t it wait until you guys actually see each other? Will the world really explode if you don’t have your hourly check-in phone call? No. Will your relationship ultimately be better without it? Yes.


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