Everything But the Game: The Ultimate Super Bowl XLVI Non-Game Breakdown
by DannyGallagher February 03, 2012 at 10:00AM | Views: 0
This Sunday, all eyes will be glued to what's happening on the field when fans aren't staring down an empty beer can to see if there's any drops left worth drinking or finding something else to watch during a halftime show that's not been designed to entertain them.
All of this attention to the competition on the field has cast a very large shadow over the true winners and losers of this holiest of holy games. Sure the teams get to take home the trophies, but everything surrounding each team has to carry the glory and the shame around with them, even if they couldn't have less of an effect on the game if they controlled the players with marionette strings.
These warring factions surrounding the New York Giants and the New England Patriots deserve a no-holds barred, bare knuckled showdown of their own and when they do, here's the spread on everything but the game.
There's a reason that every team craves home-field advantage so much that even the Patriots and the Giant would try to trick the world into thinking their home turf is really Lucas Oil Stadium before the Super Bowl. Having a crowd of screaming fans at your back can drive your team to the end zone or the opposing players into a mental institution (the opposite applies to Oakland).
Patriots - Boston fans can be rather rabid about their sports, but Beantown seems to have a fonder heart for their beloved underdog Red Sox than any other. Of course, that doesn't mean if you back them into a corner that they'll just take whatever sports hate you're trying to dish in their direction. They can still kick your ass and give you directions to their nearest state funded hospital.
Giants - New Yorkers are a tough bunch. Not only have they had to endure some rought times with their beloved Giants, but they also have to do it while living in the high-rent, crime-riddled and just plain rude boroughs of the Big Apple. They'll kick your ass and the paramedics will be there twice as fast so they can join in the beating.
Winner: Giants - You tell New Yorkers that they didn't win this one and see what happens.
They might just be a minimum wage earner in a giant bobblehead costume, but they stand for the spirit and drive of the entire franchise. If these titans of mascot-dom could fight, the battle could be just as bloody as the one on the field.
Patriots - New England's "Pat Patriot" is the most American of mascots since Uncle Sam and the only difference is Uncle Sam doesn't have a team of roided up linebackers to back up his finger pointing. Pat looks particularly menacing because he looks like he can liberate an entire country from the clutches of monarch tyranny and pass from the pocket.
Giants - You might think that a team that's named after a large mythical creature that subsists on Englishmen and defeats its enemies by stepping on them would have an equally ferocious mascot. The truth is that the Giants don't even have a mediocre one. They are only one of five teams in the entire NFL that doesn't have a mascot.
Winner: Patriots - Hey, winning by default is still technically a win.
They say that the clothes make the man for a reason. If some poor schlub looks like he just walked out of a boxcar and he's not the train's conductor, chances are not even their mother will take them seriously. Team uniforms may not seem like much, but they can bring a team together or drive them apart. At least that's what the New Orleans Hornets, who's team jerseys are aquamarine and purple, keep telling themselves when they lost Chris Paul to the stylishly-dressed Los Angeles Clippers.
Patriots - The birthplace of American democracy carries a heavy burden and their uniforms over the years have reflected their town's contribution to American society with a stylish red, silver and blue design with a very cool art deco "Pat Patriot" logo on the helmet, also known as the "Flying Elvis". The only way it could be more American is if each player was dunked in a vat of apple pie before every game.
Giants - Most teams like to throw on throwback uniforms for special games and appearances and even Giants' fans would have trouble telling their throwback uniforms apart from the newer ones. It's got a rather unoriginal "NY" logo on their helmets and a similar color scheme to the Patriots, except it's just blue and silver. They occasionally throw in red, but it's usually from the blood of their opponents.
Winner: Patriots - Letters for a logo? This is the NFL, not "Sesame Street".
Neither team will have the advantage of playing on their home field on Sunday but they'll each have a castle to house for the spoils of their victory or the wounded of their defeated when they return from the Super Bowl.
Patriots - New England's Gillette Stadium is an impressive piece of open-air stadium architecture. It looks more like a collegiate stadium on a massive dose on anabolic steroids. It also has the greatest food safety record in the entire league. So the hot dog you're eating may still contribute to your heart disease, but at least you won't have to worry about asking the funeral director to floss out the rodent hairs in your last will and testament.
Giants - New York's MetLife Stadium may have to split their time with the Jets, but they both have one of the more impressive castles to call home in the NFL. It may be one of the youngest in the league, replacing the aging Giants Stadium back in 2010, but it's also one of the biggest. In fact, it has the second highest seat capacity in the NFL, behind Wembley Stadium in London that occasionally hosts games for the St. Louis Rams. Technically, Wembley should be disqualified since their field is often tainted by the presence of (gulp) soccer.
Winner: Giants - As they say, more is more.
Without these buxom beauties cheering their cute little hearts out on the sidelines, most NFL teams wouldn't have a reason for fans to stare in the direction of the field in between plays and ways to distract the opposing team.
Patriots - New England's home team has one of the more impressive cheerleading squads in the league. In fact, they ranked at the top of the list this year above the highly acclaimed Dallas Cowboys' squad, the only thing that's highly acclaimed in Dallas' stadium these days.
Giants - They have no cheerleading squad, further proving right wing pundits' and backwoods Midwesterners' incessant claims that New York is a Godless wasteland.
Winner: Patriots - Sorry New York, but when cheerleaders are involved, we're all winners (except you, in this case).
Be sure to stay tuned to SPIKE.com this Sunday for the best commercials the Super Bowl has to offer.
Photo: Bloomberg/Getty Images