The Top 10 Video Game Vixens

November 10, 2008

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing about the pixel-curves of your favorite video game vixen.  Compare it to the pictures of Angelina Jolie you ogle nightly; you are exactly as likely to bed her as you are to mix it up with Lara Croft or any other such fantastic dream girl. Forget MILFs and GILFs, hit the jump for the top 10 VGVILFs of all time.

10. Cammy


Cammy made her first appearance in Street Fighter 2 as the tattooed army brat gone bad.  Having lost her memory during a mission, she now works as an agent for the dubious M. Bison.  Also, they did it.  You know what that means:  she puts out.  Thanks to fanboy and Alayna for the fan art.

Why she’d screw like a tiger: Cammy is comfortable with her body.  That’s why she chose a swimsuit that rides ¾ of the way up her perfectly-formed butt to wear for a Street Fighting tournament.  Imagine the shameless eccentricities she’s capable of...

9. Jill Valentine


Don’t let her name fool you.  Unless of course you hate Valentine’s Day, and consider it to be a ruthless, blood-soaked entity.  Then, her moniker is fairly accurate.  Valentine is a member of the elite military team STARS’ Alpha, and she fights zombies.  She’s battled her way through most of the Resident Evil series, and is based on the Canadian model Julia Voth.

Why she’d screw like a tiger:  Valentine has extensive military training so she has the physical wherewithal to make you into a man. Further, due to the horrors she’s seen, she’s probably in need of the loving embrace of a man that isn’t covered in pulsing boils.  

8. Ivy Valentine


No relation to Jill Valentine, Ivy is the pseudo-dominatrix of the Soul Calibur series.  Other than her obvious ass-kickery, most people saddle her with this leather-gilded title because of her unique weapon: the snake sword.  Basically a whip with blades, the snake sword is for sexy mothers who came to tie you up and shred the line between pain and pleasure until you don’t know whether to call the police to ask for help or to brag.

Why she’d screw like a tiger: She has the body awareness to surround herself in a tornado of swirling, sharpened metal and chain.  Imagine how she would twirl herself around you (and your trouser serpent). 

7. Girls of DOA


The girls of DOA can play volleyball, fight, ride jet skis, and do god knows what else to you (in theory) between the sheets. Their playful giggles, mixed with realistic jiggles, mixed with brutal violence makes for quite a heavy brew. 

Why they’d screw like tigers:  Their realistically-rendered chesticles would make for a sexual environ like one of those inflatable fun houses (but more like a fun house for your weiner).  

6. Joanna Dark


Codename “Perfect Dark” for the perfectly laser-straight erections she induces, Joanna Dark is an industrial spy employed by the Carrington Institute.  There specializing in high-force Kegel exercises (not true) she quickly rose to the top of her class. 

Why she’d screw like a tiger: She was born with a broken spine and has undergone extensive physical and psychological conditioning at the behest of her mercenary father since day 1. One wonders if that white streak in her hair is because of vitiligo, and if the drapes match the carpet.

5. Lara Croft


Lara has been around for over a decade now, but I’ll be damned if she isn’t looking better and better. She must do pilates.  In addition to having a super-fox bod, she's got brains to match.  Nothing gets my virtual libido spinning at 10,000 RPMs faster than dirty talk in a Cambridge accent.   

Why she’d screw like a tiger: Lara is a take-charge kind of gal with a mastery of gymnastics and a broad knowledge of knots. Remember to designate a safe word.    

4. Chun Li


She’s an undercover agent for the International Criminal Police Organization (Interpol) and enters the Street Fighter tournament in order to reach the sadistic warlord at its top, M. Bison.  In other news, her muscular thighs can squeeze the injustice out of any situation.

Why she’d screw like a tiger:  Chun Li can spin around like an upside-down helicopter while doing the splits in the air.  Also, her feet turn into blue lightning when that happens.

3. Rayne


A Dhampir is, according to the folklore of the Balkan region (which is usually pretty spot on), the child of a vampiric father and a human mother.  It’s kind of like Wesley Snipes in Blade.  Lucky for you, instead of a set of balls Rayne has a giant set of perfectly-formed sweater kittens.  That worked out well.  Also, you’ll be safe from vampires (a constant concern) as she is a huntress. 

Why she’d screw like a tiger: Rayne has super human strength and animal instincts.  It could be dangerous to bed this VGVILF as she may, literally, fuck like a tiger and kill you.  It’s up to you to decide if dying in a fountain of blood and ecstasy is the way you want to go.


2. Nariko


Nariko is 23 years old – at her physical peak – a digital ass you could bounce a piece of World of Warcraft gold off of. And she’s a redhead, which means she’s got a fiery temper.  According to her wiki, “…the clan [had] come to shun her, and even go so far as to blame their misfortunes on her.  Despite the loneliness and resentment felt…” she totally would do you.

Why she’d screw like a tiger: Nariko has a lot of angst, especially regarding her father and her social status because of him.  A lot of that angst, based on my high school psych class, will be taken out on your reproductive organs in a orgiastic frenzy.  


1. Samus


Samus Aran, the spinning starlet of Metroid Prime, is a foxy broad that conceals her curves inside a weapon of death and destruction.  That is, until you beat the game.  Then the destruction is focused on your button-fly jeans which explode in a VGVILF-induced boner. 

Why she’d screw like a tiger:  She can bend herself into a perfect sphere and spin through the air.  She also looks like she's got a pretty good personality.   


Honorable Mention - Cortana

Poor Cortana.  Every bone in my body wanted me to put her on the official list.  One man in fact, made a pretty turgid argument for her inclusion.  However, when push comes to shove, she is too imaginary.  She's a video game image of a hologram.  At least the other girls are real in-game.  Sorry, big C. Thanks to Reiq and IU4 for the hotness.