Jail: Big Texas
The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Fast and the Furious, The: Tokyo Drift (2006)
The Fast and the Furious (2001): Fast and the Furious, The (2001)
2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)
The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Fast and the Furious, The: Tokyo Drift (2006)
Fast Five (2011)

The Top 10 Cinematic Ways to Die

by mhofstatter   September 14, 2010 at 3:00PM  |  Views: 25,812


5. Dennis Hopper (Speed)

Source: 20th Century Fox

Speed is the movie that made Keanu Reeves a star and introduced us to the ever-sweet Sandra Bullock (well, that and Love Potion No. 9).  Dennis Hopper, who plays the film's villain Howard Payne, makes his second appearance on this list.  No, there's no favoritism, but he did play King Koopa in the Mario Brothers movie, so that deserves some added respect.  Payne's your average nutcase who puts bombs on buses and demands that they not go below 50mph, lest they blow up and kill all onboard.  Everybody's got their thing.  The only problem for Payne is Reeves' cop superstar Jack Traven.  Thwarting him at every turn, Traven sends Payne on the run during the film's climax.  At which point, Payne hijacks a subway car, while kidnapping Bullock's character Annie.  Payne and Traven later duke it out on top of the subway car, and unfortunately for Payne, Traven is the only one who knows how to duck.  His head forced into a tunnel light, Payne is ferociously decapitated.

It's safe to assume that the train was going more than 50mph.


4. Samuel L. Jackson (Deep Blue Sea)

Source: Warner Bros.

Samuel L. Jackson is known to scream.  In fact, that's why we love him.  We also love him because of his long ridiculous monologues, and he's got one write here thanks to Oscar-winning screenwriter Akiva Goldsman.  Jackson rants and raves about surviving in the snow thanks to cannibalism and then declares, "We are NOT going to FIGHT anymore!" in his and Thomas Jane's effort to defeat intelligent sharks aided by Alzheimer drugs.  Yes, that's right.  Intelligent sharks aided by Alzheimer drugs.  And then he very shockingly gets eaten by one of the intelligent sharks who have rebelled against man.  The end.  Any questions?


3. Steve Buscemi (Fargo)

Source: Gramercy Pictures

You're looking at perhaps one the most gruesome off-camera deaths of all-time, and that little foot you're looking at belongs to Carl Showalter, one of the many unfortunate characters in Joel and Ethan Coen's classic Fargo.  After kidnapping Jean Lundegaard, a woman whose "you betcha" accent rivals that of a certain female politician with glasses, Showalter (played by the always creepy Steve Buscemi) begins a battle of wills with his mute partner in crime Gaear Grimsrud (played by the equally creepy Peter Stormare).  When things go south, and money comes between the two partners, the bigger and brawnier Grimsrud seals his colleague's fate by shoving him into a wood chipper.  Watch out for splinters!


2. Ronald Lacey (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

Source: Paramount Pictures

This late English actor defines the term "face melter."  No, we're not referring to a killer guitar solo from Joe Satriani or even Steve Vai.  We're of course referencing the climactic scene of Steven Spielberg's Raiders of the Lost Ark, in which Lacey plays Major Arnold Toht, one of the many Nazis trying to get their hands on the Ark of the Covenant.  Sadly for Mr. Lacey, he didn't heed Indy's advice, and decided to look directly into the Covenant, which melted his face, and turned his body to mush.  What a pity.  Kinda like when we used to leave one of those old school plastic wrestlers in the sun for too long . . . or in the microwave. Sorry, mom.


1. Marshall Teague (Road House)

Source: MGM

Was there ever a question?  That's right, that's right.  You know you have your favorite quote.  "Pain don't hurt."  "I thought he'd be bigger."  "He'll seal your fate."  "Don't eat the big white mint."  Oh, and one more, "I used to f*** guys like you in prison."  Yes, folks, it's the Patrick Swayze classic Road House.  For the better part of 90 minutes, we are teased with the knowledge that at some point in his past cooler, James Dalton (played by Swayze) killed a guy by ripping his throat clean out.  Now he works for the Double Deuce and he's got to contend with a bad element headed by the refined Mr. Brad Wesley (played by Ben Gazzara), but what's the point of having a bad guy without having his lead flunky?  Well, here Wesley's lead flunky, Jimmy, is played by Marshall Teague.  Too bad Teague didn't know who he was messing with.  Late in the film, Jimmy goes and blows up Dalton's house, only to be cornered in a final brawl in which Jimmy utters the famous prison rape line.  Of course, Dalton takes offense and rips his throat out.  Who says an audience can't get what it asks for?



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