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Keys To Success

by Robbie E   August 01, 2013 at 12:00AM  |  Views: 3,332

So, obviously, my life is insane, bro. I'm constantly traveling, wrestling, hitting the gym, getting my eyebrows threaded, tanning, partying with girls, pounding protein, sweater shopping, getting my hair done, shoe shopping, partying with more girls and keeping my fellow BroMan Jessie out of trouble. So I'm always on the move, bro.

I move quickly, and usually I don't make mistakes. But just as I sat down to write this week's BroBlog, I realized I misplaced my keys. It's a total disaster, bro. Now I can't think about anything else, which is a wicked shame because I was going to write about my top 5 favorite works of the German Age of Enlightenment. But Immanuel Kant will have to wait, bro.

Here are the 5 places my keys could be.

5 - Some Girl's Bra - The girl that's in my bed right now (can't remember her name) may have taken them during the night and thought they were -- bro, I don't know what she might have thought they were. Things got pretty freaky last night.

4 - Protein Container - Sometimes I grab a few scoops as I'm on the go with my keys in my hand. Maybe it fell in, bro? It's a possibility, but it could be in the protein, the glutamine, the bcaa, the creatine... Ugh. I gotta search through them all.

3 - The Shower - I'm a clean freak I take like 50 showers a day, bro. Maybe I took them into the shower when I was bombed after last night's partying and forgot. Did I try to unlock my body scrub with my house keys, bro?

2 - Hot Tub - In my backyard I got a hot tub, bro. Last night I was in it with some women -- that girl with the bra I told you about and then some girl she works with at the sunglasses kiosk at the mall, bro. At one point we went to make a protein run. Maybe they fell in the tub, bro?

1 - Bigger Rob - This shaved gorilla is so jealous of me that maybe he snuck in my house and stole my keys to mess with me. I mean he probably still has a spare set from when we were tight. You know he always wanted to get back at me because I'm the man and he's a loser.

Look, I can still get around and everything. I'm from New Jersey; you can't graduate middle school unless you can hotwire a car. But I need my keys for all my other stuff.

Where do you think I left them? Until next week... Ohhhhh! I hope I find my keys, bro.


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