The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet in Online Gaming
5. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Got to Stop Right in the Middle of This Game to Do Something-Else Which Impedes My Short Term Memory and Makes Me Forget I’m Playing a Game”
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Everybody’s got a busy life. Even the lowliest human being in Nature’s food chain has to run errands like finding a proper swimsuit and taste-testing chum to properly prepare himself as shark bait.
Games are meant to take us away from that hectic life, just for a few minutes. It’s hard to understand why people would be so quick to return to them once they get into a game. The phone rings, and they stop playing to answer it. The doorbell goes off, and they drop their controller without a word. They just leave their digitized avatar alone, frozen and just waiting to be killed by the other team.
4. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Going to Save Everyone and Everything and the Whole Online Universe (The Real Universe Too If I Have Time) from Suffering a Single Ounce of Harm”
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Everyone wants to save the world, but most people have the common sense to know that they can’t do it alone. The rest of them have a super hero complex that makes the entire Justice League look like a high school AV club who hold their meetings at the drug store where they pick up their asthma inhalers.
This gamer is running back and forth between everyone, trying to make sure they have enough health packs and ammo and if you’re down, they will be the first person to come to rescue whether you ask for it not. It sounds like the act of a good Samaritan, but they are really just trying to fulfill some bloated sense of self-worth. They think that they are a super human being of pure caring and joy and the only way they can find acceptance is to go out of their way to keep everyone in the clan happy and ticking, even if they give away their position or get you and themselves fragged in the process. And what’s worse, they probably drive a Toyota Prius.
3. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Going at it Alone and Don’t Anyone Try and Stop Me, Which is a Tactic I Learned From Every ‘Predator’ Movie Even Though That Guy Always Gets Killed”
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Nobody likes a lone wolf, unless, of course, they are an actual wolf that can rip your leg off with its mouth if you don’t vote quick enough to skip the cutscenes.
The metaphorical kind, however, who like to run into the battlefield all by their lonesome without the aid and comfort of their team and yell out a battle cry at the top of their pre-pubescent vocal chords gives away your position and gets both you and him killed in the process. The person who wins isn’t the loudest or the most willing to go into the mouth of hell alone, even when nobody asked them to do it. Life isn’t like the movies and neither is real time, online video games (anyone who played the last two lousy Iron Man games can attest to that).
2. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Been Playing For Five Days Straight and I Can’t Feel My Fingers or Legs and I Think I’m Out of Red Bull and Cocaine”
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Marathon gaming sessions sound like a good idea when you’re 12 and you can run for days on your own energy and cockiness without suffering the kind of seizure that mixes paint.
When you’re over the age of 12-and-a-half, it rarely works out well. Sure we have enhanced energy drinks and over-the-counter/in-the-alley-behind-Popeye’s narcotics that can block the brain inceptors that require sleep, but mix them with video games and you’ll grow a brain hemorrhage that can stop a sniper rifle’s bullet. These guys twitch and spontaneously shout at moments that aren’t even remotely shocking like the lobby’s sign-in screen or the closing credits. They can barely keep up with the game, especially if it’s something as complicated as “Sorry!” or a brutal round of “Connect Four.”
1. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Somehow Managed to Connect to a 21st Century Online Community with a Dial-Up Connection That Can Barely Connect to the Operator”
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It ain’t cheap to keep up with these fast, digital times. A fast modem, a wireless router and an untold number of AA batteries can run up a hefty tab. It’s even more expensive when you’re dealing with someone whose modem has the advanced technology of a Speak ‘n Spell.
They don’t just slow you down. Their lousy connection slows down the entire game for everyone. And when it does finally kick them off for trying to essentially power an online PS3 game with a pair of styrofoam cups and a string. They somehow take you with them since many games lack host migration. It’s just as well. As Lord Baden Powell so famously put it, “It’s better to deal with one a-hole than a whole goddamn flock of them.”