The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet in Online Gaming

November 29, 2010

Technology has always brought us one step closer to the brink of human achievement. It’s come up with new ways to fight diseases, keep us safe from harm and chop up an entire two-thirds of an onion while simultaneously taking the skin off of it. Communications and fiber optics have done just as much, but it loses a point for bringing us one step closer to raging a-holes. These are the D-pad douchebags we all have to put up with while gaming online.

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By Danny Gallagher

10. Mr. or Mrs. “I Spent a Year in High-School ROTC and That Qualifies me as a Strategic Expert”

When you plop yourself in front of your television after a long day to do a little mindless killing, all you want to do is enjoy the pleasure of blowing away an anonymous person in an MMO or first-person shooter without all those nosey things like “morality” and “the law” sucking the fun out of it.

Sadly, these junior generals of general frustration appoint themselves as the captain of your killing team and try to get you to go along with their attack and defense strategies that make no coherent sense and seem like they were devised in a game of “Stratego.” They end up taking over the game and if you dare to step out of line, they’ll put your worthless maggot ass on report and have you scrubbing pots while the others are out fighting for God and country in a “KP mode” he specially designed for the game. You haven’t truly gotten your money’s worth on that Xbox Kinect when you’re trying to scrub caked-on SOS from a baking sheet without the technology of a controller.

9. Mr. or Mrs. “I Just Bought This Game and Didn’t Bother to Learn How to Play it Before I Went Online”

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Noobs suck, but at least they have the common courtesy to get out of your way or let you bash their head in with the butt of your rifle because they know they suck. It’s the people who don’t know that need to have their heads bashed in, and I’m not talking about with a controller. Although if they died from actually being bludgeoned with a controller, that would make for a nice, delicious, velvety layer of irony icing on this murder cake.

They couldn’t wait for this game to hit the shelves and when it finally did, not even the strength of a fourth level mental ward straightjacket could stop them from getting their grubby little thumbs on it. But instead of learning how the game actually works by playing the game offline, they jump straight into the online mode and ask stupid questions like, "How do you reload?" It’s the only time that gamers will understand the sheer frustration of raising a kid from the womb to adulthood without all that messy sex.

8. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Nine-Years-Old and My Parents Left Me Home Alone So I Can Say Whatever The F*$& I Want”

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As George Carlin so famously noted, there is nothing wrong with dirty words. The words themselves are relatively harmless. It’s the thoughts and deeds connected to those words inside our heads that give them such inherent raunchiness. That’s why, when they fall from the gaping mouth of a fourth grader, they make your brain wish it could shower for a week without that stupid “skull” getting in the way of the water.

He or she has been left in the house all by themselves because Mommy and Daddy left a video game console in place of what most people call "responsibility." That means there is no one around to correct the bad grammar or incorrect use of suffixes when he calls someone a “f*$&” and he is free to launch into a line of high-pitched expletives that sound like someone gave Andrew Dice Clay a big dose of helium. Kids like this not only make the game impossible to enjoy but they constantly have you running to the Internet to find out what words like “c*$&hobbler” and “f*$&wrangler” mean.

7. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Too Cheap and Stupid to Understand How to Pay for a Cell Phone So I Talk to All of My Friends on Xbox Live”

Photo: Stone/Getty Images

Some anti-gaming zealots claim that the proliferation of video games in the digital age has all but eradicated the simple act of human conversation. They couldn’t be more wrong if they tried to sit on a toilet “Indian-style.”

Just listen to the interaction between players on a simple video game and you’ll hear all sorts of conversations. Sometimes two or more players will actually know each other and begin to engage in a discussion that you know nothing about that ends up distracting you from the game altogether, which you don’t realize until you’re just another bloody chunk of human stew on your TV screen. They talk and talk and talk and talk about nothing and everything leaving you to pick up strange pieces of a broken conversation until you either have to block them completely or give up gaming and find a more wholesome activity like finding a reason to go on living.

6. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Either Very Fat or Very Stoned and Must Eat As Long As I’m Awake and That Includes While I’m Gaming”

Photo: Iconica/Getty Images

Remember the last time you got in your car, turned her over and heard some kind of scratching or loose metal clinging around that sounded like some kind of sea creature was trapped in the bowels of your “Transportation Box?”

That’s what it sounds like when this Kobiyashi-in-training shows up to play online. He’s always got a mouthful of what one can only assume to be food and it either impedes his meathole’s ability to speak in concise and understandable sentences or makes it sound as though your ear is temporarily taking over the duties for your mouth while it’s on vacation.

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5. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Got to Stop Right in the Middle of This Game to Do Something-Else Which Impedes My Short Term Memory and Makes Me Forget I’m Playing a Game”

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Everybody’s got a busy life. Even the lowliest human being in Nature’s food chain has to run errands like finding a proper swimsuit and taste-testing chum to properly prepare himself as shark bait.

Games are meant to take us away from that hectic life, just for a few minutes. It’s hard to understand why people would be so quick to return to them once they get into a game. The phone rings, and they stop playing to answer it. The doorbell goes off, and they drop their controller without a word. They just leave their digitized avatar alone, frozen and just waiting to be killed by the other team.

4. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Going to Save Everyone and Everything and the Whole Online Universe (The Real Universe Too If I Have Time) from Suffering a Single Ounce of Harm”

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Everyone wants to save the world, but most people have the common sense to know that they can’t do it alone. The rest of them have a super hero complex that makes the entire Justice League look like a high school AV club who hold their meetings at the drug store where they pick up their asthma inhalers.

This gamer is running back and forth between everyone, trying to make sure they have enough health packs and ammo and if you’re down, they will be the first person to come to rescue whether you ask for it not. It sounds like the act of a good Samaritan, but they are really just trying to fulfill some bloated sense of self-worth. They think that they are a super human being of pure caring and joy and the only way they can find acceptance is to go out of their way to keep everyone in the clan happy and ticking, even if they give away their position or get you and themselves fragged in the process. And what’s worse, they probably drive a Toyota Prius.

3. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Going at it Alone and Don’t Anyone Try and Stop Me, Which is a Tactic I Learned From Every ‘Predator’ Movie Even Though That Guy Always Gets Killed”

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Nobody likes a lone wolf, unless, of course, they are an actual wolf that can rip your leg off with its mouth if you don’t vote quick enough to skip the cutscenes.

The metaphorical kind, however, who like to run into the battlefield all by their lonesome without the aid and comfort of their team and yell out a battle cry at the top of their pre-pubescent vocal chords gives away your position and gets both you and him killed in the process. The person who wins isn’t the loudest or the most willing to go into the mouth of hell alone, even when nobody asked them to do it. Life isn’t like the movies and neither is real time, online video games (anyone who played the last two lousy Iron Man games can attest to that).

2. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Been Playing For Five Days Straight and I Can’t Feel My Fingers or Legs and I Think I’m Out of Red Bull and Cocaine”

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Marathon gaming sessions sound like a good idea when you’re 12 and you can run for days on your own energy and cockiness without suffering the kind of seizure that mixes paint.

When you’re over the age of 12-and-a-half, it rarely works out well. Sure we have enhanced energy drinks and over-the-counter/in-the-alley-behind-Popeye’s narcotics that can block the brain inceptors that require sleep, but mix them with video games and you’ll grow a brain hemorrhage that can stop a sniper rifle’s bullet. These guys twitch and spontaneously shout at moments that aren’t even remotely shocking like the lobby’s sign-in screen or the closing credits. They can barely keep up with the game, especially if it’s something as complicated as “Sorry!” or a brutal round of “Connect Four.”

1. Mr. or Mrs. “I’ve Somehow Managed to Connect to a 21st Century Online Community with a Dial-Up Connection That Can Barely Connect to the Operator”

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It ain’t cheap to keep up with these fast, digital times. A fast modem, a wireless router and an untold number of AA batteries can run up a hefty tab. It’s even more expensive when you’re dealing with someone whose modem has the advanced technology of a Speak ‘n Spell.

They don’t just slow you down. Their lousy connection slows down the entire game for everyone. And when it does finally kick them off for trying to essentially power an online PS3 game with a pair of styrofoam cups and a string. They somehow take you with them since many games lack host migration. It’s just as well. As Lord Baden Powell so famously put it, “It’s better to deal with one a-hole than a whole goddamn flock of them.”

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