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The 10 Most Annoying People You Meet in Online Gaming

by DannyGallagher   November 29, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 24,160

Technology has always brought us one step closer to the brink of human achievement. It’s come up with new ways to fight diseases, keep us safe from harm and chop up an entire two-thirds of an onion while simultaneously taking the skin off of it. Communications and fiber optics have done just as much, but it loses a point for bringing us one step closer to raging a-holes. These are the D-pad douchebags we all have to put up with while gaming online.

Photo: Photographer's Choice/Getty Images

By Danny Gallagher

10. Mr. or Mrs. “I Spent a Year in High-School ROTC and That Qualifies me as a Strategic Expert”

When you plop yourself in front of your television after a long day to do a little mindless killing, all you want to do is enjoy the pleasure of blowing away an anonymous person in an MMO or first-person shooter without all those nosey things like “morality” and “the law” sucking the fun out of it.

Sadly, these junior generals of general frustration appoint themselves as the captain of your killing team and try to get you to go along with their attack and defense strategies that make no coherent sense and seem like they were devised in a game of “Stratego.” They end up taking over the game and if you dare to step out of line, they’ll put your worthless maggot ass on report and have you scrubbing pots while the others are out fighting for God and country in a “KP mode” he specially designed for the game. You haven’t truly gotten your money’s worth on that Xbox Kinect when you’re trying to scrub caked-on SOS from a baking sheet without the technology of a controller.

9. Mr. or Mrs. “I Just Bought This Game and Didn’t Bother to Learn How to Play it Before I Went Online”

Photo: Stone/Getty Images

Noobs suck, but at least they have the common courtesy to get out of your way or let you bash their head in with the butt of your rifle because they know they suck. It’s the people who don’t know that need to have their heads bashed in, and I’m not talking about with a controller. Although if they died from actually being bludgeoned with a controller, that would make for a nice, delicious, velvety layer of irony icing on this murder cake.

They couldn’t wait for this game to hit the shelves and when it finally did, not even the strength of a fourth level mental ward straightjacket could stop them from getting their grubby little thumbs on it. But instead of learning how the game actually works by playing the game offline, they jump straight into the online mode and ask stupid questions like, "How do you reload?" It’s the only time that gamers will understand the sheer frustration of raising a kid from the womb to adulthood without all that messy sex.

8. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Nine-Years-Old and My Parents Left Me Home Alone So I Can Say Whatever The F*$& I Want”

Photo: Digital VisionGetty Images

As George Carlin so famously noted, there is nothing wrong with dirty words. The words themselves are relatively harmless. It’s the thoughts and deeds connected to those words inside our heads that give them such inherent raunchiness. That’s why, when they fall from the gaping mouth of a fourth grader, they make your brain wish it could shower for a week without that stupid “skull” getting in the way of the water.

He or she has been left in the house all by themselves because Mommy and Daddy left a video game console in place of what most people call "responsibility." That means there is no one around to correct the bad grammar or incorrect use of suffixes when he calls someone a “f*$&” and he is free to launch into a line of high-pitched expletives that sound like someone gave Andrew Dice Clay a big dose of helium. Kids like this not only make the game impossible to enjoy but they constantly have you running to the Internet to find out what words like “c*$&hobbler” and “f*$&wrangler” mean.

7. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Too Cheap and Stupid to Understand How to Pay for a Cell Phone So I Talk to All of My Friends on Xbox Live”

Photo: Stone/Getty Images

Some anti-gaming zealots claim that the proliferation of video games in the digital age has all but eradicated the simple act of human conversation. They couldn’t be more wrong if they tried to sit on a toilet “Indian-style.”

Just listen to the interaction between players on a simple video game and you’ll hear all sorts of conversations. Sometimes two or more players will actually know each other and begin to engage in a discussion that you know nothing about that ends up distracting you from the game altogether, which you don’t realize until you’re just another bloody chunk of human stew on your TV screen. They talk and talk and talk and talk about nothing and everything leaving you to pick up strange pieces of a broken conversation until you either have to block them completely or give up gaming and find a more wholesome activity like finding a reason to go on living.

6. Mr. or Mrs. “I’m Either Very Fat or Very Stoned and Must Eat As Long As I’m Awake and That Includes While I’m Gaming”

Photo: Iconica/Getty Images

Remember the last time you got in your car, turned her over and heard some kind of scratching or loose metal clinging around that sounded like some kind of sea creature was trapped in the bowels of your “Transportation Box?”

That’s what it sounds like when this Kobiyashi-in-training shows up to play online. He’s always got a mouthful of what one can only assume to be food and it either impedes his meathole’s ability to speak in concise and understandable sentences or makes it sound as though your ear is temporarily taking over the duties for your mouth while it’s on vacation.

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