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The Top Seven Musicians That Need To Get Loaded

by dsussman   February 24, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 3,575

3. The Jonas Brothers


Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the Jonas Brothers actually partied and lived the real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle that we all envy? That’s the whole point of being famous!

The Jonases are all committed Evangelical Christians and all wear purity rings on their left-hand ring fingers. The rings apparently stand for a promise that each one of them made to God that they will stay sexual pure until marriage. The Disney pop trio also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and all other "drugs." WTF is this world coming to?! You’re supposed to be one of the biggest acts on the planet and you just sit around sipping virgin piña coladas and playing Parcheesi on your tour bus?! If rock history has shown us anything, these dudes are supposed to be out there pounding trim by the truckload and writing timeless classics. Instead, they produce art at as bland and predictable as their lifestyle. It wouldn’t hurt these dudes to hit Joshua Tree, drop a tab of acid, and just see what the hell happens.

2. Gene Simmons


Photo: Marcel Thomas/Getty Images

As his reality show Family Jewels pointed out, Gene Simmons and his whole family have very strong beliefs against drinking and doing drugs. According to numerous sources, Gene Simmons has never drank alcohol, used drugs, or even smoked a cigarette. Well la de frickin' da. I hope that Gene’s family is fully aware that their daddy pretty much made his entire fortune on the mantra of  “I wanna rock and roll all nite and party every day.” Douche.

We all know now that Gene is nothing more than an attention whore who just wants to continue to make as much money as possible off of his KISS Army. Now I know that most of KISS’ act is more theatre than real rock life, but if you’re going to sell a lifestyle to some of the most dedicated fans in rock history you damn well better back it up. I mean the fact that Gene co-wrote the song "Rock and Roll All Nite" is enough grounds for the man to be force-fed an entire bottle of Jack Daniels just to actually see what he was singing about for the past years 35 years. Again, how in the hell can you write and perform a song that you know nothing about?

Here’s a classic quote from his NPR interview with Terry Gross that pretty much sums things up:

And if you were in my room and we were going to have a liaison, and you were high, you’d be out on your butt before you could spell your last name. Because if you don’t want to experience me with all the senses God gave you, you don’t deserve to be with me.

What a boner.


1. Ted Nugent


Photo: David Livingston/Getty Imges

Some may not know this, but hunter/hard rocker Ted Nugent has been clean and sober his entire life. That’s right, his entire life. That means no drugs, alcohol, or even tobacco. It all makes sense now! This has to be the true reason why he’s such a giant douchebag all the time! It also must be the reason why he thought it would be good for his career to play in the supergroup Damn Yankees.

Back in his heyday, Ted was more of a notorious sex fiend than dope fiend. The man was apparently addicted to makin’ love to the ladies and knockin’ out “Cat Scratch Fever” on the nightly. As much I can’t hate on him for taking part in one of the great perks of being a rock star, I have trouble understanding why he never experimented with a few fun-loving chemicals. I’m not condoning drug or alcohol use, but for a guy as outspoken as The Nuge, you would think he would try something before jumping to a negative conclusion about something he personally knows nothing about. The more I think about it, this is pretty much Ted in a nutshell. The man was a legitimate draft dodger and somehow is on Fox News 24/7 giving his "expert opinion" about how the government should handle the war as well as the troops. Maybe if the guy wrapped his hands around a bottle of jack and a Graffix bong he wouldn’t be such an a-hole all the time. This man literally needs to take a chill pill. For reals.


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