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The Top Seven Musicians That Need To Get Loaded

by dsussman   February 24, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 3,715

Since the '60s, artists like Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin mistakenly set into motion the notion that getting messed up on a regular basis can somehow make you more talented than your sober colleagues. At the very least, there are definitely a handful of lame musicians that might benefit artistically by loosening up with a little sip of the sauce.

Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images


7. Taylor Swift


Photo: Dan MacMedan/Getty Images

Since the dawn of pop music we have all had to look on as bubblegum darlings go from clean cut perfection to an out-of-control mess giving new meaning to the term "wardrobe malfunction." The main reason for this is because these sheltered starlets go from zero to 60 in terms of their experiences in the party world. Like Taylor Swift, these pop stars are bred to be performers that only really know about singing, living on the road, and being told what to do. These girls know nothing of the real world and when they finally get a chance to let loose a little, they go completely apes**t and start destroy the wholesome image they worked so hard to create. So why not try to stop this before it happens?

I’ve watched a handful of interviews with Taylor Swift, and they all totally scared the living s**t out of me. The girl is too clean-cut and sweet. It’s like she’s not even a real human being. All she knows is fairytale happiness and nothing more. The girl is 20 years old and has never had a sip of alcohol in her life. This is no bueno, people. There’s nothing like a good night of binge drinking to truly put things into perspective. The girl needs to know what it feels like to vomit in a Burger King bathroom before it’s too late. It’s gonna happen anyway so you might as well start early.


6. Chris Cornell


Photo: Mick Hutson/Getty Images

Is it any coincidence that Chris Cornell got sober right after the first not-so-awful self-titled Audioslave record was released? Is it also any coincidence that his skills as a talented singer/musician also seemed to vanish at this very same moment? I think not.

Right after the recording of Audioslave’s self-titled debut it was reported that Cornell had checked himself into drug rehabilitation and that he went through "a horrible personal crisis." He's been sober ever since.

Now I’m not saying that Out of Exile and Revelations are bad records, it just seemed that after the point where Chris got sober, he was not the same Soundgarden man he once was. The most undeniable example for this is his 2009 solo release Scream. Not only is Scream the worst project Cornell has ever been involved in, it’s also one of the worst records ever. Ever.

Being a rock star is one of the few professions that you can get away with being a committed addict. Look at Lemmy. The dude is drunk 24/7, tours the world with Motorhead year after year, and still puts out fantastic records. Chris might want to take some notes.


5. Moby


Photo: Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images

Moby has been known to get hammered on the regular, but he has also been very vocal about saying that “work is sober” and “play is not.” With this said, it might be a good idea for the guy to let loose a little bit while recording in the studio. I mean his music is just plain white bread. It’s totally obvious that the man has serious talent as a musician and producer, but it has always felt like he has never lived up to his potential. Maybe a few tequila shots in the studio might not be the worst of ideas. It might have a very positive impact on Moby’s artistic output.


4. Nickelback


Photo: Mark Allan/Getty Images

If there has every been a band that has gone against the grain in terms of what a true rock ‘n’ roll act is supposed to live and breath, the cheeseballs of Nickelback are at the top of the heap.

It is true that frontman Chad Kroeger had a drunk-driving conviction because he got behind the wheel of a car with a blood-alcohol level almost twice the legal limit, but that’s just not enough. These guys need to get Keith Moon with that s**t and really let their freak flag fly. How so? Well, being drunk out of their minds while accepting an award on live TV wouldn’t be a bad place to start. S**t, do it Led Zep-style and have a groupie have sex with a mudshark just for old times sake. Also, writing rock songs with actual balls also wouldn’t hurt matters either. It’s pretty much a given that you have to live the life to actually write a song about it. All these guys do is produce soft pop-rock and get rocks thrown at their heads.

It’s really sad to think that these soulless idiots are one of the biggest rock acts of the decade. It’s even scarier to think that they got there by producing some of the tamest material the rock genre has ever witnessed. Although, I still feel like they can still make up for lost time. A drunken sex tape with a Playmate might be a good way to get the ball rolling. Drunkenly punching paparazzi is also a solid way to show fans that you’re the real deal.


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