The Top Seven Musicians That Need To Get Loaded

February 24, 2010

Since the '60s, artists like Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin mistakenly set into motion the notion that getting messed up on a regular basis can somehow make you more talented than your sober colleagues. At the very least, there are definitely a handful of lame musicians that might benefit artistically by loosening up with a little sip of the sauce.

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7. Taylor Swift

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Since the dawn of pop music we have all had to look on as bubblegum darlings go from clean cut perfection to an out-of-control mess giving new meaning to the term "wardrobe malfunction." The main reason for this is because these sheltered starlets go from zero to 60 in terms of their experiences in the party world. Like Taylor Swift, these pop stars are bred to be performers that only really know about singing, living on the road, and being told what to do. These girls know nothing of the real world and when they finally get a chance to let loose a little, they go completely apes**t and start destroy the wholesome image they worked so hard to create. So why not try to stop this before it happens?

I’ve watched a handful of interviews with Taylor Swift, and they all totally scared the living s**t out of me. The girl is too clean-cut and sweet. It’s like she’s not even a real human being. All she knows is fairytale happiness and nothing more. The girl is 20 years old and has never had a sip of alcohol in her life. This is no bueno, people. There’s nothing like a good night of binge drinking to truly put things into perspective. The girl needs to know what it feels like to vomit in a Burger King bathroom before it’s too late. It’s gonna happen anyway so you might as well start early.

 

6. Chris Cornell

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Is it any coincidence that Chris Cornell got sober right after the first not-so-awful self-titled Audioslave record was released? Is it also any coincidence that his skills as a talented singer/musician also seemed to vanish at this very same moment? I think not.

Right after the recording of Audioslave’s self-titled debut it was reported that Cornell had checked himself into drug rehabilitation and that he went through "a horrible personal crisis." He's been sober ever since.

Now I’m not saying that Out of Exile and Revelations are bad records, it just seemed that after the point where Chris got sober, he was not the same Soundgarden man he once was. The most undeniable example for this is his 2009 solo release Scream. Not only is Scream the worst project Cornell has ever been involved in, it’s also one of the worst records ever. Ever.

Being a rock star is one of the few professions that you can get away with being a committed addict. Look at Lemmy. The dude is drunk 24/7, tours the world with Motorhead year after year, and still puts out fantastic records. Chris might want to take some notes.

 

5. Moby

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Moby has been known to get hammered on the regular, but he has also been very vocal about saying that “work is sober” and “play is not.” With this said, it might be a good idea for the guy to let loose a little bit while recording in the studio. I mean his music is just plain white bread. It’s totally obvious that the man has serious talent as a musician and producer, but it has always felt like he has never lived up to his potential. Maybe a few tequila shots in the studio might not be the worst of ideas. It might have a very positive impact on Moby’s artistic output.

 

4. Nickelback

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If there has every been a band that has gone against the grain in terms of what a true rock ‘n’ roll act is supposed to live and breath, the cheeseballs of Nickelback are at the top of the heap.

It is true that frontman Chad Kroeger had a drunk-driving conviction because he got behind the wheel of a car with a blood-alcohol level almost twice the legal limit, but that’s just not enough. These guys need to get Keith Moon with that s**t and really let their freak flag fly. How so? Well, being drunk out of their minds while accepting an award on live TV wouldn’t be a bad place to start. S**t, do it Led Zep-style and have a groupie have sex with a mudshark just for old times sake. Also, writing rock songs with actual balls also wouldn’t hurt matters either. It’s pretty much a given that you have to live the life to actually write a song about it. All these guys do is produce soft pop-rock and get rocks thrown at their heads.

It’s really sad to think that these soulless idiots are one of the biggest rock acts of the decade. It’s even scarier to think that they got there by producing some of the tamest material the rock genre has ever witnessed. Although, I still feel like they can still make up for lost time. A drunken sex tape with a Playmate might be a good way to get the ball rolling. Drunkenly punching paparazzi is also a solid way to show fans that you’re the real deal.

 

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3. The Jonas Brothers

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Wouldn’t it be awesome if the Jonas Brothers actually partied and lived the real rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle that we all envy? That’s the whole point of being famous!

The Jonases are all committed Evangelical Christians and all wear purity rings on their left-hand ring fingers. The rings apparently stand for a promise that each one of them made to God that they will stay sexual pure until marriage. The Disney pop trio also abstain from alcohol, tobacco, and all other "drugs." WTF is this world coming to?! You’re supposed to be one of the biggest acts on the planet and you just sit around sipping virgin piña coladas and playing Parcheesi on your tour bus?! If rock history has shown us anything, these dudes are supposed to be out there pounding trim by the truckload and writing timeless classics. Instead, they produce art at as bland and predictable as their lifestyle. It wouldn’t hurt these dudes to hit Joshua Tree, drop a tab of acid, and just see what the hell happens.

2. Gene Simmons

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As his reality show Family Jewels pointed out, Gene Simmons and his whole family have very strong beliefs against drinking and doing drugs. According to numerous sources, Gene Simmons has never drank alcohol, used drugs, or even smoked a cigarette. Well la de frickin' da. I hope that Gene’s family is fully aware that their daddy pretty much made his entire fortune on the mantra of  “I wanna rock and roll all nite and party every day.” Douche.

We all know now that Gene is nothing more than an attention whore who just wants to continue to make as much money as possible off of his KISS Army. Now I know that most of KISS’ act is more theatre than real rock life, but if you’re going to sell a lifestyle to some of the most dedicated fans in rock history you damn well better back it up. I mean the fact that Gene co-wrote the song "Rock and Roll All Nite" is enough grounds for the man to be force-fed an entire bottle of Jack Daniels just to actually see what he was singing about for the past years 35 years. Again, how in the hell can you write and perform a song that you know nothing about?

Here’s a classic quote from his NPR interview with Terry Gross that pretty much sums things up:

And if you were in my room and we were going to have a liaison, and you were high, you’d be out on your butt before you could spell your last name. Because if you don’t want to experience me with all the senses God gave you, you don’t deserve to be with me.

What a boner.

 

1. Ted Nugent

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Some may not know this, but hunter/hard rocker Ted Nugent has been clean and sober his entire life. That’s right, his entire life. That means no drugs, alcohol, or even tobacco. It all makes sense now! This has to be the true reason why he’s such a giant douchebag all the time! It also must be the reason why he thought it would be good for his career to play in the supergroup Damn Yankees.

Back in his heyday, Ted was more of a notorious sex fiend than dope fiend. The man was apparently addicted to makin’ love to the ladies and knockin’ out “Cat Scratch Fever” on the nightly. As much I can’t hate on him for taking part in one of the great perks of being a rock star, I have trouble understanding why he never experimented with a few fun-loving chemicals. I’m not condoning drug or alcohol use, but for a guy as outspoken as The Nuge, you would think he would try something before jumping to a negative conclusion about something he personally knows nothing about. The more I think about it, this is pretty much Ted in a nutshell. The man was a legitimate draft dodger and somehow is on Fox News 24/7 giving his "expert opinion" about how the government should handle the war as well as the troops. Maybe if the guy wrapped his hands around a bottle of jack and a Graffix bong he wouldn’t be such an a-hole all the time. This man literally needs to take a chill pill. For reals.

 

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