Planning a wedding may be a lot of work and cause a lot of anxiety, but if you take the time, you can have a day you and your future spouse will remember and cherish for years. There's no better way to show the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with how much they mean to you than by giving them a perfect wedding. Or, if you're a geek, you can totally f*** it up by making everyone dress like Japanese cartoon characters.
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1. Get a Stupid Ring
For centuries, human beings have used rings to symbolize the holy bond of matrimony and, for about 10 years, they've used ethernet cables to get their porn faster. Now, thanks to the folks at Etsy.com, you can show your betrothed that she's just as important to you as your favorite spank site.
For a mere $700, these CAT5-compliant beauties are a must-have for geeks in love. What better way to tell a girl that she's downloaded her way into your heart? She'll know your firewall's down the minute she opens the box. And unlike normal wedding rings, these totally fit together, you know, like the two of you. Even if the worst happens and she says no, you can always plug your version into your computer, because it will love you way better than any girl could anyway.
2. Propose in a Video Game
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Imagine you’re a computer programmer who’s mustered up the courage to talk to a girl. We know. That’s why we said “imagine.” Now, imagine that this girl is everything you dream of. She’s cute, funny, smart, and likes all the same Transformers you do. You decide that you want to spend your life with her and raise a flock of nerdbabies. There’s just one problem. She’s obsessed with the video game Bejeweled.
How do you get her attention and let her know she holds the high score in your heart? Hack that s***! That’s what Bernie Peng did. When this New Jersey programmer found his girl, he hacked his proposal into her favorite jewel-based video game. When she reached a particular score, a pink sapphire ring appeared on the screen with his proposal. Lucky for him she wasn’t into Call Of Duty. A ring popping out of a Nazi you’ve just ventilated with and submachine gun just doesn’t have the same charm.
It may have been a nerdy way to propose, but everything worked out. Peng’s girlfriend, Tammy Li, was tickled and Popcap, the makers of Bejeweled, were so impressed that they offered to chip in for the wedding. It just goes to show that a nerd can find love, too. And all he has to do is implement a little illegal programming and be willing to violate an end-user agreement.
3. Freak Out an Entire Town
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Proposing in a video game is all well and good for your private, retired geek, but what if you want to show the world that you’ve found your Alyson Hannigan? Well, an unidentified German nerd made sure his proposal was so big it freaked out an entire town and involved local law enforcement.
As part of his elaborate proposal, the geeky German suitor sent up 50 huge paper lanterns in the skies over the small Bavarian town of Plattling. His girlfriend was blown away by his grand romantic gesture and instantly said “yes.” All would have been right in the world except for one small thing. The guy forgot that other people lived in the town.
Scared and confused at the sudden appearance of 50 hovering orbs of light in the night sky, people freaked out. Police received several reports of UFO sightings as the town prepared for the End of Days. The police eventually traced the balloons back to the suitor and everyone calmed down. The guy was married, settled down, and is now fondly known around Plattling as “that prick who freaked out the entire town to get laid.”
4. Do It on the Bridge of the Enterprise
Once a geek has beaten the odds and actually found a real live girl to marry him, the next step is to plan a wedding. For most people, weddings are a way to publicly declare their love for their partner and make a lifelong commitment in front of the people who are important to them. Marriage ceremonies are the same for nerds, except that while they are making a lifelong commitment to their partners, they’re also reaffirming their lifelong commitment to their favorite TV show, video game, or comic book.
For Trekkies, what better way to do that than to get married on the bridge of the Enterprise? Until it recently closed, The Star Trek Experience in the Las Vegas Hilton offered just that. Depending on the package, engaged nerds could join together in Holy Matrimony only steps away from Data's Ops station, Jean Luc Picard's captain's chair, or the place where Commander Riker rode bitch. Unfortunately, The Star Trek Experience closed in 2008, forcing nerds to have their Star Trek weddings at The Cheapest Community Hall Available Experience. But fear not Ferengi or Borg, it's slated to reopen next year in a new location. Finally, geeky couples will be able to once again hear those three words that make every wedding complete: Make it so!
5. Do it Dressed as Shrek
For most brides-to-be, the wedding ceremony is their chance to be the most beautiful woman in the room. Many women spend months or even years planning their weddings down to the minutest detail. And a lot of that forethought is devoted to their dress. Long a symbol of the purity and beauty of the bride, the wedding dress is the centerpiece of the special day. A woman may try on hundreds of options searching for the one that best accentuates her beauty and helps her feel like the most important woman in the world. Or, if she’s a geek, she can dress like Shrek’s wife.
That’s what Christine England did. She had the idea when she noticed her husband-to-be Keith was a dead ringer for Shrek. Now most women who discover their fiancé resembles a hideous, overweight Ogre would probably have second thoughts about marrying them, but England rolled with it. She hired a makeup artist, got some costumes, and presto! She married the monster of her dreams. The only thing she couldn’t do was convince her teenage son to dress up as Donkey, firmly proving that good taste is absolutely not genetic.
6. Make Everyone Dress Up Like Zombies
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Zombies are great. As a metaphor, they can represent everything from the dangers of mindless conformity to the everpresent threat of disease and societal breakdown. Few things are as terrifying as a reanimated corpse bearing down on a living victim, hellbent on devouring his still warm flesh. It's no wonder zombies have been a horror staple for generations. But in the all the years zombies have been shambling across our screens and imaginations, they rarely have been used to signify love and deep-felt commitment. Unless it's love of brains and deep-felt commitment to tearing living flesh with your teeth.
Well, for several people, including filmmakers Christopher Downs and Amber Nolin, nothing says eternal love and happiness quite like blood-soaked wedding clothes, rotting corpses, and blood-curdling moans. Their 2008 wedding was a picture perfect mix of darkness, smoke, and old ladies dressed as ghouls. As the bride shambled towards the altar in a sick parody of human movement, the guests surely wiped away tears as she and her groom moaned their vows and bit each other's necks to signify that not only would they spend the rest of their lives together, but also that they are a really, really creepy couple.
7. Do it in Klingon
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Any old fanboy can slap on the fake blood or a yellow officer's shirt. A real nerd goes all the way and models his ceremony on a fictional culture using a fictional language. Yes, you can’t call your wedding geeky if you don’t do it in Klingon. The web is full of step-by-step, detailed instructions for making your special day less about two people who are in love getting married, and more about two great warrior houses uniting in an endless struggle against the Cardasians, the Romulans, and reality.
Your bride or groom will really know you're in it for the long haul if you're willing to memorize your vows in a made-up language that mostly sounds like an old guy clearing his throat in the morning. Add some homemade Klingon costumes, and your partner will know that they're marrying a fierce warrior who charges into battle with only a bat'leth and a howl. Even if to the rest of the world he appears as some guy named Gary who manages a Kinko's.
8. Make Her Fight You With A Lightsaber
Once the geeky vows have been said and the nerdy groom kisses a girl for perhaps the first time in his life, the next step is to celebrate the intertwining of two lives with good food, good people, and lots of booze. Once everyone is adequately liquored up, the festivities then move to the dance floor. For the casual observer, this is often the best part of the wedding, as the air of romance and an open bar lead to all manner of skanky behavior. But at a nerd wedding, the skankiest thing likely to happen is someone making a Life of Brian joke. Case in point, this nerdy wedding where the happy couple replaced the traditional first dance with a first lightsaber duel:
What better way to show the world that you're ready to enter the most sacred institution in history and take your adult role in society than to have a pretend sword fight with light-up plastic toys?
9. Get a Nerdy Cake
Besides the wedding dress and the sluttiest bridesmaid, few things get more attention at a wedding than the cake. Couples spend tons of money on elaborate, beautiful cakes. Most favor simple, tiered white cakes to underscore the purity and sacred nature of the occasion. Nerds, on the other hand, see the cake as just one more way to show the world that they really, really love video games.
Known more his plumbing and turtle-killing abilities, Mario seems at first to be a strange choice for a wedding cake. Sure, he's always trying to rescue the Princess, but at the end of the day he always goes home with Luigi. Well, with the recent pushes across the country for same-sex marriage, maybe it ain't such a bad idea after all. Oh, and guys, the mustaches were a dead giveaway.
At first, we thought this cake was pretty cool. Sure, the fallen AT-AT is a little depressing, and the Ewok cupcakes are just sad, but overall it looked like a pretty sweet tribute to a great scene from the best Star Wars movie, bar none. But then we were shocked to notice that Leia's outfit is totally wrong. She never wore a dress on Hoth! How is she supposed to stand the subzero temperatures or fend off a bloodthirsty Wampa in a flowing evening gown? And what the hell is Admiral Akbar doing there? Come on guys! You're supposed to be nerds!
10. Forget Reality Altogether
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Doing any of these things for your wedding will surely prove your nerd credentials and earn you a front row cubicle in Geek Heaven, but if you really want to go for it, there's no nerdier way to tie the knot than to do it virtually. Almost every MMORPG and virtual online world allows in-game marriages. Why hire some boring old Lutheran minister when you can be married by a virtual High Priest Of Elune? Why invite Uncle Stan and Aunt Marlene when you can have Madark The Ravager and Kreva The Shadowmaster on the guest list? And wouldn't you rather receive a pile of gold coins or a wicked +2 sword than some crappy toaster?
Getting married online has all of the excitement of getting hitched in the real world with none of the hassle. Just log on, push a few keys, and bang! You're married. Of course there's no honeymoon, and your partner could disappear tomorrow and you'd never see them again, and you're not actually married. But what the hell. Isn't fantasizing about something that could never happen in the real world what being a nerd is all about?