Everybody Poops--Except Women!

June 3, 2008


If you're like me, there's some part of your psyche that will just never be reconciled to the fact that girls poop. Maybe that's why I loved Japan so much when I visited, because the Japanese seem to have the same approach to pooping as I do. I.e., when it comes to women doing it, treat it like a government conspiracy to cover up the existence of UFOs and extraterrestrial life.

Japan really has the whole pooping thing down. For starters, as soon as you take your first crap in the land of the rising sun, you realize that most toilets provide you with a blast of water up the hoo-ha that, at first, feels most unholy. The funny thing is, once you've been there a week, wiping your butt without a preperatory blast of water (the pressure and temperature of which can be adjusted by said pooper) feels as uncivilized as wiping with newspaper, or unclogging a shit-stopped toilet with your bare hands.

Ok, I am blogging about poop. I'm sure this is answering some prayer I sent forth to baby Jesus when I was seven.

Back to Japan. As if bidet-equipped toilets with heated seats were not enough to maximize one's defecating experience, women's bathrooms take it up a notch. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, female bowel movements are a phenomenon to be covered up with serious doses of denial and self-deception. In fact, Japanese girls don't even want to admit to each other that they're making haste with their waste. Thus, The Magical Water Princess, an audio device installed in some women's public bathrooms that, yes, covers up any potentially incriminating sounds that might lead other females to believe a deuce was being dropped in the hole.

Reassuring as I'm sure The Magical Water Princess is, has anyone stopped to consider that the very act of activating the Water Princess is in effect tacit admission to committing the very act it's supposed to cover up? And if the electronic flushing sounds don't give it away, I suspect the olfactory assault on one's proboscis might.

 Perhaps one day we Americans will be as civil about pinching loaves as the Japanese. But I seriously doubt it. I guess I've talked enough crap for one day.