The Top 10 Presidents More Gangsta Than Obama
John F. Kennedy was the David Bowie of U.S. Presidents – he made the hallowed office a glam position, and the current Commander in Chief is no different. But they're not even close to being the best we've ever had.
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10. Ulysses S. Grant
Source: National Archives/Getty Images
Grant was a major, major drunk. He won the Civil War for the Union effectively uniting these United States, but he definitely did it completely sloshed. He was also one of the best overall military commanders in this country's history. But, shoot, that don’t mean he didn't like to party, son. His love for battle-side bottle service is totally documented, and he still kept his (and the country’s) affairs in perfect order. Barack, on the other hand, cannot party for f*** all.
Contemporary Gangsta Equivalent: J-Kwon
9. Dwight D. Eisenhower
Source: Gene Forte/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Eisenhower was a baller, dude. He initially wanted to be a professional baseball player, but he also had crazy skills on the gridiron. He didn’t make the baseball team at West Point, but did start as a varsity running back and linebacker. And this was in 1912 before football was pussified with pads and cortisone shots. He even took down Jim Thorpe and scored such a spectacular touchdown that it was reported on in the New York Herald. Also, he was the most powerful man in the world, a general, and he made Hawaii a state, paving the way for sweet, thonged honies running on American beaches.
Barack, on the other hand, is pretty good at golf.
Contemporary Gangsta Equivalent: Nelly
8. Harry S. Truman
Source: W. Smith/Stringer/Getty Images
Harry Truman didn’t have a middle name. The S. was just an S., but I submit here that henceforth it stands for "Sucka-free" because this motherf**** was in office to do two things: drop bombs and stop bucks. And, to be honest, they ran out of bucks pretty quickly. That’s not to say Truman was low on scrilla. The dude got $670,000 to write his memoirs after he left office. Oh, also, this guy tried to kill him, but just ended up getting lit up like a Christmas tree by Truman’s crew (a.k.a. the Secret Service).
It’s like House of Pain said: Words to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I've got more rhymes than the bible's got psalms.
Contemporary Gangsta Equivalent: House of Pain
7. Rutherford B. Hayes
Source: Matthew Brady
“What up Rutherford B. Hayes? Oh, just getting shot at? Cool, cool.” That’s what pretty much all of Rutherford’s friends would say to him. He served in the Civil War, like a few other Presidents, but unlike those presidents he was wounded in battle four G.D. times. However, he could not be killed with conventional weapons. He also had four horses (who can be killed by conventional weapons) shot out from under him. After that, he decided it was time to be President which, by comparison, was pretty boring. So he focused mostly on just keepin’ it real with his crew by passing the Timber and Stone Act, likely in order to finance bitchin’ pool parties.
Obama has been shot zero times in all of his zero battles. Fact.
Contemporary Gangsta Equivalent: 50 Cent
6. Teddy Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt basically did not f*** around when it came to straight keepin’ fools in check. In 1898, when he was the Assistant Secretary of the Navy, Teddy Roosevelt was jockeying for war with Spain. As part of his play to fight Spaniards, he organized and lead the 1st U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, more popularly known as the Rough Riders. This guy, the future President of the United States, just got a bunch of his buddies together, got some horses, and road those mothas into Cuba to kill some people in a war he started. He also studied judo and had his face carved into a giant mountain.
Obama can sketch.
Contemporary Gangsta Equivalent: DMX