The Top 10 Deadliest Warrior Matchups We'd Love to See
Deadliest Warrior is the one of the greatest shows on TV because it resolves every Internet forum argument over who'd win in a fight with science and blowing things up. It's how manly men settle their disagreements over whether a ninja could defeat a pirate. However, there are some matchups that we'll never see, no matter how much we beg. And on the cusp of the season two debut tomorrow night, we figured we'd let our imaginations run wild.
Source: Warner Bros. & Columbia Pictures
By Dan Seitz
10. Batman vs. The Punisher
There's only one problem with this matchup: Batman doesn't kill, so he can't win, and the Punisher couldn't take Batman with a minigun and both of Batman's hands tied behind his back. Sure, the Punisher has lots of guns, but this is Batman. His idea of "light exercise" is beating up a SWAT team, so beating up a lone gun nut isn't going to give him much in the way of problems. We're pretty sure the simulator would just spit out the Punisher getting tear-gassed, or knocked out by a Batarang, or being dropped by the classic Batman One-Punch Combo a thousand times.
9. Tony Soprano vs. Tony Montana
Source: HBO & Universal Pictures
Far be it from us to measure the relative merits of one of the greatest TV series ever written versus one of the most popular gangster movies ever made. No, this is purely a fight between the two characters, and it's one we really want to see, especially since it probably starts over Tony breaking Montana's prized universal remote.
Source: Universal Pictures
Say hello to his Freudian little friend!
Yeah, it's not really fair when one guy shows up to the fight with a freakin' grenade launcher. On the other hand, Tony Soprano is inarguably a lot smarter. Hell, compared to his coke-dealing foe, everybody's favorite fat guy from Jersey is practically a ninja. On the third hand, though, most of his weapons don't come with splash damage and none of them are a chainsaw.
8. Killer Whale vs. Great White Shark
Source: Paul Souders/Digital Vision/Getty Images & Stephen Frink/The Image Bank/Getty Images
Hell, we want to see this one just to hear the announcer try and keep a straight face, not to mention seeing the intrepid Warrior trio spending an entire episode in a water tank. If you're not familiar with Orca, it's a movie featuring a man-eating killer whale who eats Bo Derek's leg. If you're not familiar with Jaws, congratulations on surviving in that air-raid shelter for so long, but you've got a lot of pop culture to get caught up on.
Anyway, yeah, it would all be about who can bite who the fastest, because it's not like flesh-eating fish are climbing out of the water...oh God, they are! They're attacking Australia! TO ARMS, CITIZENS! TO ARMS!
7. Stormtrooper vs. Cylon
Source: LucasArts & Syfy Channel
For us this really boils down to a problem of aiming. We're not sure a mathematical equation exists to quantify just how crappy the Stormtrooper's aim is. If it was a fight between a Stormtrooper and Stevie Wonder, our money is on Stevie, especially since, as we all know from that Volkswagen Super Bowl commercial, he has Daredevil powers, at least when VW Bugs are around. Either that or he has the same burning desire we all do to punch Tracy Morgan.
Against a Cylon, we're betting it would be even less of a fair fight. On the other hand, if it's a hot Cylon instead of the heavily armored one, the Stormtrooper might have odds in his favor.
6. Master Chief vs. Samus Aran
Source: Microsoft & Nintendo
Master Chief is, of course, the hero of frat boys everywhere, while Samus Aran is the Earth's lone defender against the Metroids and one of the few women ever created by Nintendo who didn't solely exist to be kidnapped.
We want to see this one purely because it might force a team-up between the Mythbusters and the Deadliest Warrior crew. Samus has a freeze beam. Do you know what this means? Ballistics gel dummies dipped in liquid nitrogen and then shot. Forget having a fight, they should just do that for an hour. We'd watch it.