Deadliest Warrior is the one of the greatest shows on TV because it resolves every Internet forum argument over who'd win in a fight with science and blowing things up. It's how manly men settle their disagreements over whether a ninja could defeat a pirate. However, there are some matchups that we'll never see, no matter how much we beg. And on the cusp of the season two debut tomorrow night, we figured we'd let our imaginations run wild.
Source: Warner Bros. & Columbia Pictures
By Dan Seitz
10. Batman vs. The Punisher
There's only one problem with this matchup: Batman doesn't kill, so he can't win, and the Punisher couldn't take Batman with a minigun and both of Batman's hands tied behind his back. Sure, the Punisher has lots of guns, but this is Batman. His idea of "light exercise" is beating up a SWAT team, so beating up a lone gun nut isn't going to give him much in the way of problems. We're pretty sure the simulator would just spit out the Punisher getting tear-gassed, or knocked out by a Batarang, or being dropped by the classic Batman One-Punch Combo a thousand times.
9. Tony Soprano vs. Tony Montana
Source: HBO & Universal Pictures
Far be it from us to measure the relative merits of one of the greatest TV series ever written versus one of the most popular gangster movies ever made. No, this is purely a fight between the two characters, and it's one we really want to see, especially since it probably starts over Tony breaking Montana's prized universal remote.
Source: Universal Pictures
Say hello to his Freudian little friend!
Yeah, it's not really fair when one guy shows up to the fight with a freakin' grenade launcher. On the other hand, Tony Soprano is inarguably a lot smarter. Hell, compared to his coke-dealing foe, everybody's favorite fat guy from Jersey is practically a ninja. On the third hand, though, most of his weapons don't come with splash damage and none of them are a chainsaw.
8. Killer Whale vs. Great White Shark
Source: Paul Souders/Digital Vision/Getty Images & Stephen Frink/The Image Bank/Getty Images
Hell, we want to see this one just to hear the announcer try and keep a straight face, not to mention seeing the intrepid Warrior trio spending an entire episode in a water tank. If you're not familiar with Orca, it's a movie featuring a man-eating killer whale who eats Bo Derek's leg. If you're not familiar with Jaws, congratulations on surviving in that air-raid shelter for so long, but you've got a lot of pop culture to get caught up on.
Anyway, yeah, it would all be about who can bite who the fastest, because it's not like flesh-eating fish are climbing out of the water...oh God, they are! They're attacking Australia! TO ARMS, CITIZENS! TO ARMS!
7. Stormtrooper vs. Cylon
Source: LucasArts & Syfy Channel
For us this really boils down to a problem of aiming. We're not sure a mathematical equation exists to quantify just how crappy the Stormtrooper's aim is. If it was a fight between a Stormtrooper and Stevie Wonder, our money is on Stevie, especially since, as we all know from that Volkswagen Super Bowl commercial, he has Daredevil powers, at least when VW Bugs are around. Either that or he has the same burning desire we all do to punch Tracy Morgan.
Against a Cylon, we're betting it would be even less of a fair fight. On the other hand, if it's a hot Cylon instead of the heavily armored one, the Stormtrooper might have odds in his favor.
6. Master Chief vs. Samus Aran
Source: Microsoft & Nintendo
Master Chief is, of course, the hero of frat boys everywhere, while Samus Aran is the Earth's lone defender against the Metroids and one of the few women ever created by Nintendo who didn't solely exist to be kidnapped.
We want to see this one purely because it might force a team-up between the Mythbusters and the Deadliest Warrior crew. Samus has a freeze beam. Do you know what this means? Ballistics gel dummies dipped in liquid nitrogen and then shot. Forget having a fight, they should just do that for an hour. We'd watch it.
5. Gold Digger vs. Cougar
Source: Jim Arbogast/The Image Bank/Getty Images & Troy Aossey/Stone/Getty Images
It is well, well, well past time that we applied physics and science to the most beloved of all kinds of fights, the catfight. This would be an epic episode for a lot of reasons: the slow-motion shot of a gel head cracking as a Gucci purse splits it open, Dr. Dorian pulling out fake nails out of ballistics gel to test for clawing, biomedical engineer (and karate black belt) Desmoulin seeing how fast a cougar can throw a cell phone or a drink. It'd be gold, and also probably the bloodiest fight in the show's history. Why? Girls fight dirty.
4. Snake Blocker vs. Zero Kazama
Source: BlockerAcademy.com & ZeroKazama.com
One is a ninja whose name is Zero. The other is a guy who walks onto the Deadliest Warrior soundstage talking about how the Apaches like knives and proceeds to pull about a dozen knives out of various places on his body before throwing three killshots into a dummy and stabbing another in the sternum. Come on, try and tell us with a straight face you don't want to see these guys fight. However, if they tried this, Snake Blocker and Zero Kazama, being men of honor and total badasses, would actually fight to the death, and we don't want to be responsible for the death of great men.
On the other hand, there's nothing stopping them from teaming up to fight, say, a bear. Just saying.
3. Leprechaun vs. Easter Bunny
Source: Michael "Dino" Henderson/iStock Vectors/Getty Images & Yury Kuzmin/iStock Vectors/Getty Images
As we all learned from Monty Python, bunnies are vicious little bastards. Similarly, Warwick Davis taught us that Jennifer Aniston still looks hot in ridiculous pants. And also that Leprechauns are also vicious little bastards.
We're just having trouble figuring out what the Easter Bunny would fight with. Not that the Leprechaun is what you call armed to the teeth, but he's got his pot of gold, which has to be heavy (and, of course, his lucky charms). The Easter Bunny has eggs and chocolate. Granted, the Leprechaun might have killer allergies, so that might give the Easter Bunny an advantage. Maybe the Bunny can just kick the Leprechaun really hard?
2. East Coast vs. West Coast
Source: George Pimentel/WireImage/Getty Images & Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic/Getty Images
It's been a long, complicated debate with blood on both sides, and really, in light of what we've lost, notably Biggie and Tupac, it's about time we settled once and for all who's tougher, the East Coast or the West Coast.
Oh, sure, it'd be controversial, especially when the computer spits out Tupac has a 100% chance of surviving. But come on, if they're willing to do Taliban versus IRA, surely they can stop and settle a far more important and emotionally charged debate that's far more relevant to all our lives. Especially those of us with $20 riding on East Coast.
1. MythBusters vs. Deadliest Warrior
Source: Discovery & Spike TV
It's the eternal questions that haunt us. Could Geoff take Jamie Hyneman? Could anybody not take Adam Savage? Would Deadliest Warrior's vast arsenal of weapons be enough to overwhelm M5 Industries, or would the massive collection of odds and ends the MythBusters have collected assemble themselves into a Voltron-like air-cannon?
Also, the explosions. Oh, man, the explosions. The MythBusters go through, what, a case of C4 a week? On the other hand, the Warrior trio have more firearms than an NRA brunch and plenty of bombs, grenades, and close range weapons. At the very least they could claim Hyneman's pimpin' 'stache. And that would be victory enough.