The Top 10 Women With More Ta-Tas Than Talent

October 16, 2009

Big breasts are a staple of the entertainment industry and will win out over talent every time. Whether they're real or fake, it seems the bigger the breasts a woman has, the less talent she'll need to have a career and a place in the spotlight.

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10. Jessica Simpson


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Jessica Simpson definitely has a set of lungs on her and can belt out quite a tune. Sadly, these days Ms. Simpson is better known for her MTV reality show Newlyweds (which was on years ago) and her subsequent shambolic love life. No one pays attention to Ms. Simpson’s music anymore. Her last couple albums have bombed, her acting career never took off, and her recent switch to country music was not well received.

But the one constant through this entire period have been her ample bosoms. Like her career, Jessica’s breasts have experienced their ups and downs – usually as a result of Jessica’s fluctuating weight. In fact it seems Jessica’s breasts have gotten larger as her talent and place in the spotlight has dwindled.

9. Shauna Sand


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By all accounts Shauna Sand had something going on, once. As a youngster she was a classically trained dancer who received a scholarship to attend the prestigious Ballet West dance school. She started modeling at age 15 and settled in Paris where she earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in International Business Administration from The American University of Paris and became fluent in French. Then she posed for Playboy in May 1996 and quickly turned into a clichéd, trashy hot mess.

Shauna has had her breasts pumped up through multiple, and sometimes botched, plastic surgeries. She has had so much work done that her bust now resembles two over-inflated balloons stuck to a stick. The 38-year-old ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas and mother of three spends her days traipsing around in tiny outfits with her much younger boyfriend/handbag, pretending not to pose for the paparazzi. This woman will turn up to the opening of an envelope, flash her breasts, make-out with said BF, and stumble home - all just to get an ounce of attention. Shauna’s breasts (among other body parts) are currently starring in her leaked, obviously staged, sex tape. Hey, it worked for plenty of other untalented hoochie-bags.

8. Paris Hilton


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No one would call Paris Hilton a busty woman. The truth is that Ms. Hilton has relatively small breasts and uses every trick in the book to push them together and make them look larger. While Hilton may be lacking in the tah-tah department, her true deficiency is in the talent department.

This woman has managed to make a career out of doing absolutely nothing, which is incredible. She turned a leaked sex tape into a multi-million dollar a year career. Some could say that takes talent, but really its opportunism and the machine behind her deserves most of the credit. There’s no denying that this girl is savvy and while that may be a talent, her breasts still win out.

Paris is famously quoted as saying, “One of my heroes has always been Barbie. She may not do anything, but she always looks amazing doing it.” This sums her up perfectly, and I couldn’t have phrased it better myself.

7. Sophie Monk


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Sophie Monk is an Aussie actor and singer best known for dating one of the dudes from the band Good Charlotte. She is often photographed in skimpy workout clothes or at the beach wearing a bikini. This is hardly coincidental. Monk began her career in Australia as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator. She auditioned for a spot on the Australian version of Popstars and was selected to be a part of the girl group Bardot. When the band broke up, Monk moved to the U.S. and tried her hand at acting. She has appeared in several films, and is most often cast as the stereotyped ditzy blonde piece of eye-candy. This usually means she has to flash her breasts. Even with the allure of Ms. Monk's breasts, most of her films have gone straight to DVD.

6. Tila Tequila


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Tila Tequila is part of the generation of celebrities who are famous for being famous. Tila’s single biggest achievement in life is being the most popular person on the social networking site MySpace…and that was in 2006. This popularity led to the MTV reality dating show A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila...and the rest is history. We’ve been stuck with the quasi-bisexual ever since.

These days Tila tries desperately hard to keep in the spotlight. She obsessively tweets and constantly posts videos on her website where she shakes her booty and plays with her large, D-cup fake breasts. Her breasts are an amazing piece of surgical work, but kind of look ridiculous on her tiny, 4-11 frame. It makes her look like an inflatable porn star, which is fitting as this girl is a hot second away from diving into hardcore pornography. At least she may discover a talent.

5. Dolly Parton


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There is no denying that Dolly Parton is extremely talented. She is after all the reigning queen of country music and over the last five decades has become the most successful female recording artist in the history of country music. She has had a staggering 25 number one singles and a record 41 top 10 country albums. She’s also has a remarkable film career, her own theme park, and is an avid philanthropist.

But even with all her success, Dolly’s talents are literally overshadowed by her enormously large 40DD breasts. They are a marvel of nature (with a bit of help from silicone) and fast became her trademark. Dolly’s breasts are such a phenomenon that the world’s first cloned mammal Dolly the Sheep was named in her honor because the cell used to clone the sheep was taken from a ewe’s mammary gland. Honestly, there is not enough talent in the world to out-muscle or out-mammary Dolly’s rack. Even she would agree with that!

4. Heidi Montag


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Heidi Montag would garner more respect if she wasn’t a ditzy celebrity cliché. The blonde star of The Hills famously had breast implants in 2007, increasing her bust size from a 32A to a 32C. Sadly, she was unable to find a doctor with the ability to inject some talent into her.

While her boobs may have grown, Heidi has become more annoying, more outspoken, and way too over-exposed. The first thing she did after her boob job was sit down with Us Weekly magazine for an "exclusive" interview. Since then she’s tried her hand at a singing career and posed for Playboy magazine (amazingly without nudity). The only thing she and her douchey husband, The Hills co-star Spencer Pratt, have mastered is the fame game and unfortunately they play it very well.

3. Pamela Anderson


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Pamela Anderson is a walking set of air bags. The model and actress has had a very successful modeling and acting career. She has the most Playboy covers of any woman in the world and will surely go down in the pages of television history for her role as CJ Parker on Baywatch. Pamela may be talented, but it’s her breasts that clinched her success. Seriously, can you imagine CJ Parker as a flat-chested broad running down the beach in slow motion? No.

Pamela Anderson career didn’t even take off until she moved to Los Angeles and went under a plastic surgeon’s knife. Once she got her new assets installed, this woman never looked back. Getting breast implants was easily Pam’s most shrewd career move.

2. Kim Kardashian


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Kim Kardashian has followed the Paris Hilton Guide to Fame to a T, except Kim has a bigger bust (like that would be hard) and marginally less talent. Like Paris, she found fame through a sex tape, starred in a reality television show, and endorsed a lot of useless crap. What sets Kim Kardashian apart from Paris Hilton is Kim has a personality and isn’t afraid to show off her body.

Kim will pretty much pose in a bikini or show off her cleavage for any company that pays her. Her single talent is working her assets and she’s been working them all the way to the bank. This actually makes her a smart businesswoman. However, even the smartest business person would fail if they were trying to offload crappy assets. It should also be noted that the only thing worth more praise than her breasts is her butt.

1. Keeley Hazel


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All hail Keeley Hazell, the queen of large breasts. The British glamour model has made a career exhibiting her incredible, natural 32F sized breasts. The public’s (or more correctly Britain’s) appetite for her magnificent melons is so insatiable that not a week goes by without new topless photos being released. The amazing thing is that no matter how many times you’ve seen Keeley’s tah-tahs, they never get old.

As much as I’d like to say having large, natural breasts is a talent, it isn’t. Her breasts are little more than an arbitrary gift from nature, a great gift nonetheless and something we can all be very thankful for. But the cold hard truth is the only talent Keeley really needs is the ability to remove a bra and brave the cold. Seriously, this woman must spend half her life topless.