History's Top Seven Biggest Dicks

March 30, 2009

History is rife with gigantic dicks. And we’re not just talking about the type John Holmes was slingin'.

Source: Diana Walker/Getty Images

7. Richard Perle


Source: Cynthia Johnson/Getty Images

Richard Perle set up a company called Trireme Partners LLP.  It’s a computer company that specializes in intelligence, and it was set up right before the Bush administration decided to remove Saddam from power in Iraq.  The company stood to make millions on helping the U.S. government kill as many Iraqis as they could as efficiently as possible.  When investigative journalist Seymour Hersh wrote a story about it for the New Yorker, Perle called him “the closest thing American journalism has to a terrorist.”  Not cool.  He was also one of the carbuncled hydra heads that is the neocon monster that was the Bush administration and initially suggested the U.S. only send 40,000 troops to overthrow Saddam's regime. We all know how that turned out.

6. Richard Cheney


Source: Jeff Swensen/Getty Images

There’s plenty to dislike about former vice president Dick Cheney, but let’s focus on everybody’s favorite facet of hatred.  This dude shot his friend in the face.  Man, what a dick.  It occurred during a quail hunt on a private ranch in Texas, and although it was officially classified as an “error in judgment,” there is no getting around the fact that he shot his buddy Whittington in the face with a shotgun. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

5. Richard Nixon


Source: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon is the only U.S. president ever to resign from office.  There is no irrefutable evidence that Nixon created an illegal committee to sabotage his Democratic opposition through a series of bribes and burglaries.  There is no proof of his wrongdoing on the subpoenaed tapes from the Oval Office that have a mysterious 18-minute deleted gap. There’s also no proof (admissible in the court of law) that I’m the world’s greatest lover, but guess what...everybody knows it’s true.  

4.Richard Reid


Source: CBS

Richard Reid is the goofy looking bastard pictured above, but you probably know him better as The Shoe Bomber.  Shoe-bombing in and of itself is a pretty dick move, but to do it on an airplane and make the rest of us forever shuffle unsanitarily through airport security checks in our bare feet is unforgiveable.  Screw you, Richard Reid.  I have unseemly foot odor.

3. Richard Ramirez


Source: ABC

Richard Ramirez, more commonly known as The Night Stalker, is a serial killer and a real douchebag.  His older brother Mike was in Vietnam and taught Ramirez how to torture women with knives while showing him pictures of the Vietnamese women he’d killed.  Ramirez thought that was pretty neat, then did a ton of drugs.  After that, he spent 1984 and 1985 just murdering and raping women in the Los Angeles area. In all, he was convicted of 13 murders.

2. Richard Speck


Source: Biography.com

Richard Speck is best known for brutally murdering eight student nurses at the South Chicago Community Hospital in Chicago on July 14, 1966. What may have started out as a routine burglary of a townhouse turned into a mass murder when Richard Speck entered with a knife and trapped all eight victims in a room.  He then methodically led them out one-by-one and stabbed them to death before raping the last victim, Gloria Davy. You think that's bad? Just look at his haircut.

1. King Richard III


Source: Hank Walker/Getty Images

This guy killed his brother, King Edward the IV.  Then, he took Edward’s two sons into custody and locked them away in the Tower of London.  He then turned his attention to Edward’s widow and killed all of her family.  After that he just assumed the throne and continued with his streak of jackassery. However, happily, he was killed in battle as he chanted “Treason, treason, treason!” Then, his naked body was paraded through the streets of his enemy. Finally...justice.