The Six Seatmates You Don't Want on an Airplane

June 21, 2010

Just ask anybody who's on a flight: people do all sorts of horrible things on airplanes.  They look at porn, they blow their noses in the blankets, and leave their chewing tobacco cups in the seat pockets. In short, people suck when it comes to flying.  But some people manage to make air travel even more aggravating and time-consuming than it already is just by showing up.

Source: Digital Vision/Getty Images

By Dan Seitz

6. Captain Reek

Source: Jilly Wendell/Stone/Getty Images

It's pretty hard, when you're traveling, to take a shower.  Especially if you're going camping or heading straight to the beach after you land. What's the point?  Just slap on some deodorant and go.

Well, some people just take that to an illogical extreme, illustrated by the guy who Jazz Air threw off a flight for his overpowering B.O. To give you an idea of just how bad Mr. Natural smelled, a passenger actually used the word "brutal" to explain it, and the airline said it was a matter of health and safety.

Nobody mentions whether they just blasted him with a hose on the tarmac, but it might not have been a bad idea.

5. Darius Chappille

Source: Danielle Lichliter/The Chronicle

There are two things pop culture is obsessed with when it comes to airplanes: plane crashes and the mile high club.  Whether it's the famed promiscuity of flight attendants or just doing it in a pressurized cabin, plane sex seems pretty popular.  Granted, sex on a plane has never struck us as appealing.  If we want to have sex in a cramped space with a toilet jabbing us in the back, we'll just do it in our apartments.

But nobody mentioned this to Darius Chappille, who piled on the bad decisions pretty fast.  First, he whipped it out for his female seatmate to enjoy, which she didn't.  Then, he punched her in the face.  Then, he started stripping until he was buck naked, and it took most of the flight attendants and some of the passengers to restrain him.

Is this some weird fetish?  We bet it's a weird fetish.

4. Bored Jiu-jitsu Fighter Flipping Random Handles

Source: rudderball/Getty Images

Note: The photos in this article are being used for illustrative purposes only; any person depicted in the photos is a model.

There are plenty of people you just don't want to mess with. Professional jiu-jitsu fighters are generally among them.  One of them, who shall remain nameless for reasons that'll soon be obvious, was bored on his flight and was wandering around the cabin.  He saw the door, you know, to the outside, which was a few miles in the air, and decided to see what would happen if you flipped the handle to "open."

What happens is freaked out passengers kick the living crap out of you.  The doors won't open while you're in the air, but nobody, including the dumbass who flipped the handle, actually knew that.  And so, an alleged professional got a beating, probably courtesy of five overweight guys in first class.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't give his name to any reporters.


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3.Stanley Sheffield

We can understand not liking your flight attendant.  To be fair, it's a rough job. You're on your feet, dealing with people all day, your pay stinks, and in short, it's not a job we'd take.  Still, some people just rub each other the wrong way.

Stanley Sheffield was obviously one of those people, since he thought his flight attendant was Satan.


Granted, Stan the Man was not the most stable of individuals, but there's nothing like a passenger getting paralyzed with divine energy and starting dousing you with water in order to save you to really ruin your in-flight movie.  Then again, since it was The Ten Commandments, maybe there wasn't much of a difference.

2. Dimwit with a Plush Crocodile

Source: DAJ/Getty Images

We understand having an emotional attachment to your stuffed animals.  Um, because our girlfriends love them.  Anyway, some people just really love stuffed animals, and want to bring them on the flight.  Which is fine, even if the thing is huge, because if there are extra seats on a flight, why not?  Even if it's a three-foot-long crocodile.  Even if it's sitting in an emergency exit row-wait, no, that we're not down with.

The idea of a huge bunch of fluff blocking the possible escape from fiery death would seem pretty obvious to anybody, but the woman who held up a flight for two hours throwing a hissy fit because her plush crocodile couldn't have a seat isn't one of them.

Yep.  Two hours.  They argued with this woman for two hours instead of just throwing her off the plane or sending her to the nearest preschool.  Us, we would've just taken off and then opened the emergency exit: problem solved.


1. Galina Rusova


Far be it from us to assume any stereotypes of Russians to be remotely accurate.  We know some Russians, and none of them are raging drunks saying "Das vidanya." Disappointingly, none of them can turn their skin to steel or do a Fastball Special, either.  (Also, don't ask for a Fastball Special at the Bunny Ranch.)

But not every Russian is a credit to their country.  Out to prove every stereotype of Russians true, or maybe just to see if Meredith from The Office really could choke that stuff down, Galina Rusova drank all the hand sanitizer and promptly went insane, for fun, biting flight attendants, screaming, and generally raising hell all over the airport.

Which honestly makes hand sanitizer sound like a lot of fun.  Maybe we'll lay in a few cases for our party tomorrow. The stuff has to taste better than light beer.



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