The Top 10 Ways to Drive Like a Jackass
It’s no secret that we here in the United States love our cars. As a result, you quickly learn the fine nuances of driving etiquette – what to do and what not to do. Well… some of us learned these skills, but there always seems to be that other guy on the road who appears so lost in his or her own self-importance they drive like they’re the only people on the road.
10. The “Hurry Up and Stop” Driver
You may be late for that colonic appointment, but burying the throttle block to block only to slam on the brakes at the next red light 300 yards down the road is going to get you there at exactly the same time as the guy next to you that chose to just cruise the whole way.
The main difference is that you used twice as much gas, made other drivers feel like they had to avoid being anywhere near you – because who knows what you’re going to pull to shave milliseconds off that travel time – and got to sit at the light looking stupid while the rest of the pack casually pull up to the line.
9. The “Everyone Needs to Hear My Music!” Driver
Dude, congrats on buying the new Fergie single – I don’t care. At all. It doesn’t matter who you are – if you’re driving around with all your windows down specifically so that whatever you’re listening to can be “enjoyed” by everyone within in a five block radius – your keys need to be thrown down into the sewer.
I’m at a loss as to the appeal of this, and it’s truly one of the most passively narcissistic things that you can do while driving. And trust me on this one: the sound of everything from the windows to the license plate in your Civic rattling themselves to pieces is definitely not boosting your cool factor.
8. Honking at Someone Attempting to Make an Unprotected Left Turn
These people need to be shot. I can’t count the number of times someone has done this to me, apparently so impatient that they think they have a better grasp of the situation than I do. And this is despite their vantage point - the back of my car. It’s only after the fact that these people realize that, had I obliged their demand, I would’ve been immediately t-boned by on coming traffic due to their desire to turn left as soon as possible.
Are they so self-absorbed that they need to put other people’s lives in jeopardy to save eight seconds of time? Do us all a favor and opt out of the gene pool.
7. Super Ultra Mega Bright Headlights
So payday comes and what’s the first thing a jackass truck “enthusiast” does? Well, he hits Pep Boys for a set of the cheapest looking, brightest aftermarket “high intensity” headlights for the ‘ol 2x4. Course, since his truck is already above most other vehicles on the road, those super bright lights are already pretty unnecessary.
Word to the wise, lifted truck guy – everyone on the road really does hate you. Why? Because your blinding lights are beyond annoying – you might as well have a horn that just belts out “I’m a douchebag!” because that’s basically what you’re accomplishing with those knock off Xenon bulbs.
6. Riding the Brakes
A particularly bad perpetrator of this offense can be as obnoxious as a chorus of fingernails on a chalkboard. These people just need to relax, switch to decaf – whatever it takes to avoid hitting the brakes every time a synapse goes awry in their skull.
The worst cases are people who have nothing but well-lit open road ahead of them and inexplicably hit the brakes at random – how do these people get licenses in the first place? If you’re that timid about the ramifications of driving in general, you should probably stick to public transit.