The Nine Athletes Who Deserve the Swine Flu Shot More Than You

November 5, 2009

A recent report out of a small Canadian village called “Calgary” claims that NHL players unfairly received the H1N1 flu shots ahead of less important people who were suffering from cancer (most of whom were turned away thanks to a limited supply). This got us thinking – which other athletes/sports personalities should have the right to receive preferential medical treatment?

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9. Olivia Manning - Technically not an athlete, but this woman’s uterus is an NFL gold mine. She’s already pumped out two Super Bowl champions and there’s no reason to think that she doesn’t have a third one in her. If you’re the Washington Redskins, staring down the barrel of nine more “Is there anybody willing to trade for Jason Campbell” offseasons, maybe it’s time to get started on a 22-year-plan by putting Archie and Olivia together in Dan Snyder’s fetish room to produce a quarterback of the future. (If the Bears had tried something similar in the early 1990s they wouldn’t have gone through a two decade parade of Cade McNown–quality quarterbacks.)

8. Alex Rodriguez -
Sure, A-Rod plays for a baseball team with the public sympathy appeal of an Al Qaeda weapons smuggler and he’s now encouraging Kate Hudson to keep making those god-awful movies, but letting the only athlete who admitted to owning to erotic centaur-themed paintings of himself get the vaccination is more of a courtesy to the medical professionals administering them. As a confirmed steroid abuser, Rodriguez is very familiar with intervenes needles and isn’t afraid to have some train tracks running down his perfectly waxed forearms.

7. Danica Patrick
- Much like a panda or white tiger, Patrick is an endangered species that must be saved. As a woman with the ability to drive correctly, she is a biological oddity that needs to be studied in a lab or forced to teach other women the importance of turn signals and parallel parking. Patrick needs to stop wasting her time setting back the women’s movement by whoring herself out on internet registration commercials so we can better use her peculiar gift to help make the freeways a less annoying place. (Looking your direction, “lady who smashed directly into my car last week and then blamed the sunset.” I don’t think insurance companies are still accepting the “I was having a really bad day” defense.)

6. The ESPN Broadcasting Department
- Again, not technically an "athlete" but with the amount of disease being spread throughout the World Wide Leader in Intern Harassment, it would be socially irresponsible to keep the vaccine out of Bristol. What if Steve Phillips gave the swine flu to the 22-year-old intern he was cheating on his wife and kids with? Another college kid looking to blow her way to a sideline reporting job would have to step up and rub arthritis cream on Skip Bayless during the commercial break or Stuart Scott may have to begin pleasuring himself under the anchor’s desk again. ESPN is a cesspool of inter-office adultery and without proper vaccination, programming could be affected.

5. Gary Bettman - If Bettman gets sick, who else is going to ruin hockey? (Besides FOX, of course, who did a smashing job destroying the sport with their glowing puck idea.) Bettman has done an inspired job killing Canada’s national pastime, and much like when Mozart was writing his unfinished symphony – it would be a shame to see Bettman fall ill before completing his masterpiece. Since putting on his child-sized commissioner’s blazer in the early 1990s, Bettman has created the most damaging television contract in sports history, over-expanded to hockey hotbeds like Tennessee, and recently spent what’s left of the NHL’s capital on a franchise that was ecstatic to break the 9,000 person attendance barrier during “Please Bring Everyone You Know Night” last Thursday. 16 years ago Bettman set out to destroy a prosperous league and has succeeded admirably, but if he contracts the swine flu the sporting world will always be left wondering “what could have been?” Sort of like the evil version of Lou Gehrig.

4. Chicago Cubs - Whether it’s a black cat, Billie goat, or Jason Biggs, Chicago Cubs fans are always whining about something jinxing their chances to win their first World Series since the American flag had 46 stars – so you can bet that if their entire roster dies of swine flu they’re going to find some way to use it as an excuse. The last thing anybody wants to do (besides sit through an entire quarter of WNBA basketball) is listening to a bunch of Cubs fans inanely argue that “multiple roster deaths” can somehow affect a team’s chances to win.

3. Mark McGwire - If for some reason, this turns into a massive scandal, how entertaining would it be to watch Mark McGwire uncomfortably testify before congress for a second needle-related infraction. “Look, I’m not here to talk about whether or not I stole swine flu vaccinations from that Orphanage. The past is in the past. I’m here today to come up with a solution to this problem that, once again, doesn’t involve me admitting guilt or doing absolutely anything to help.”

2. Darko Milicic - What if this is finally going to be the year that Darko breaks out and becomes a star, yet doesn’t get the chance because some elderly AIDS patient (with very limited rebounding ability) gets the flu shot instead of him? I don’t think grandma wants to be the one who tells everyone back in Serbia that the greatest prospect their country has ever seen didn’t have the chance to get off SLAM Magazine’s “Least Effective Human Beings Alive” list because she selfishly wanted to watch her only granddaughter walk down the aisle before passing away.

1. Michael Vick - Just ask any of the 800,000 people who went out and bought the jersey of a third string quarterback fresh off of a two year Federal Prison stint: Michael Vick has paid his debt to society and deserves to once again receive all of the unfair benefits that professional athletes enjoy. If he gets arrested for bringing weed through customs for the second time, he shouldn’t have to go to jail or worse yet – throw it away before boarding a private plane. If he publically endorses a Drew Barrymore movie, he shouldn’t automatically be forced to take an IQ test. And if he wants to get a vaccination ahead of someone who actually obeys the law, Vick should have that opportunity to do that too. After all, he paid his 23 month debt to society and the hard working construction worker with three kids has never even thrown a touchdown pass. Why should he get a flu shot?

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