The Top 10 Worst Questions from Your Girlfriend

January 8, 2009

Your girlfriend's mind is a perpetual motion machine. It is constantly moving, always working and it never stops. It can calculate complex equations, delicate problems and multifaceted situations and questions in a matter of seconds. So to make sure your brain stays on its toes, these are the most common girlfriend questions that should trigger a red alert.

By Danny Gallagher

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.

 

10. What are you thinking about?

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You could take the high road and be honest and admit you are thinking about what it would be like to own a summer cottage in Jennifer Tilly’s cleavage or how much beer you could drink in one sip if you didn’t have to breathe oxygen in order to stay alive. You could also just down right lie and say that you’re thinking about your future together, how much she means to you and other things guys say when they know they are in something deep and stinky. Just don’t feed her a lot of saccharine B.S. about puppies and babies, but don’t give her the keys to the vault either.

9. Where do you see us in the future?

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She always complains that you never know what she’s thinking or how to make her happy and now she thinks you can see into the future? We have a hard enough time learning from our past mistakes, so what makes women think we can think that far ahead in the first place? She’s just trying to get a feel for your goals, ambitions and hopes for yourself and maybe even her in the near to distant future, so again don’t pretend you’re Terrell Owens’ P.R. rep and think you can convince her you’re more committed than you are when even T.O.’s P.R. reps can’t even pull off that magic trick. 

8. What do you want to do tonight?

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This is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, she might be sincere and nice in letting you choose what you want to do even if she knows the answer is yelling at SportsCenter and playing “Find the Rubber Duckie” together in the bathtub. On the other hand, she might be testing you to see if you aren’t a selfish, sexed up pig who always thinks of himself and knows the things she likes. Inevitably what happens is each person goes back and forth asking the same question and responding with “I’m happy with whatever you want to do” about 200 times until you end up compromising and doing what you always do in these situations: break up.

7. Don’t you think our married friends seem so happy?

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Now I’m not opposed to the idea of marriage. If you meet someone who you feel is the person you were meant to be with, then you should have every right to stick your foot in that bear trap. But this question doesn’t leave much room for subtlety. If your girlfriend is asking it, she’s most likely asking you why you haven’t put forth the idea of getting married after dating for so long. Frankly, she couldn’t be more blunt with this question if she tied it to a rock and dropped it on your tongue.

6. Does this make me look fat?

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Oh sure, you could be a macho alpha male and pretend to your sniveling beer swilling buddies that you actually said, “No, your pants make you look like your butt is trying to plan a prison break from your pants.” But we all know she’d clock you in the head with a car if you actually tried it. She’s worried about her appearance so do her and yourself a favor, pull a Nancy Reagan and just say no. You’ll not only make her feel better but your car insurance, medical costs and mental capacity won’t change an inch.


5. What would you do if I died?

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It’s not the most morbid question to ever come out of her mouth, but it’s certainly one of the hardest to answer. Usually it comes up with couples that have been together for a long time. If it comes up after the second date, she’s either planning to assassinate a major leader and doesn’t plan on having a third or she’s planning to kill you, in which case she should pick up the check, just out of fairness.

4. Do you want kids?

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A lot of couples rush into the concept of having kids because they are only focused on the good parts like birthday parties, helping them achieve their major life milestones and getting to use them as a dependent on their 1040EZ. They’re not thinking about the dirty diapers that the U.N. has classified as biological weapons, the sleepless nights that are filled with more crying and screaming that a heroin detox ward and the uncanny ability children have to destroy everything you own and decrease your property value by thousands of dollars if you stop watching them for more than five seconds.

3. Do you think she is attractive?

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There are only two possible causes for this question: (1) she caught you looking at someone an inordinately long amount of time while she’s standing right next to you or (2) she’s been looking for someone to have a three-way with. Guess which one is the right answer 99.9999 percent of the time? If you happen to be in that minority by the way, just know I hate you and am currently praying for God to kill you.

2. Is that what you’re wearing?

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Uh oh, sounds like the boyish charm that used to come from a pair of beat up jeans and a Winchester Tavern T-shirt has worn off with her. So maybe it’s time to dress up a little nicer when you’re out with her and she’s trying to show you off as something more than a shiftless hobo whose fashion sense depends on when the trash gets picked up every week. And by all means, resist the temptation to respond with a sarcastic comeback like, “No, this isn’t what I’m wearing. I had these clothes painted on me.” Because she will comeback with “Well that explains why there’s no bulge in the front of your pants.” On snap! You go girl.

1. Did you go to the gym?

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Yep, you’re putting on some weight and no, it won’t go to your penis.

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