Stephen Colbert Joins American Speedskating Team

November 4, 2009

In a move that the most influential United States Speedskating reporters (most of whom have to keep second jobs at TGI Fridays) are calling “the best thing to happen to the sport since neon spandex and the great nipple slip of 1982,” Comedy Central talk show host Stephen Colbert has joined the American Speedskating team for the 2010 Winter Olympic Games… a sponsor.

Last night, the popular talk show host announced that the Colbert Nation would throw their support behind the team as they head into the Olympics to try to steal some medals from those smug Canadians who couldn’t get a single late night comedy show to endorse them.

The move came after a Dutch bank that was sponsoring the team (in true patriotic fashion) went bankrupt and decided to controversially give their employees severance packages instead of throwing money at foreign athletes in a fringe sport that may get 87 seconds of coverage between rhythmic ski jumping and a “Where are They Now? Jamaican bobsled team” special.

Colbert asked all of his fans to help fund the team, so feel free to click here in order to donate to a sort of worthy cause. Because if Apolo Anton Ohno doesn’t win gold in the short track speedskating event, then the terrorists really have won.

Source: Brad Barket/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images